CuddleBuggery

Massive, Huge, Ginormous Announcement

2012-02-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

As you may have noticed, I've been a ghost on here for more than two weeks. It's not because I've been raiding temples in South America as some people have speculated.

Nor have I discovered and chanced science forever by discovering the elusive Graviton. Though this one's not due to lack of effort.

A couple of weeks ago, Stephanie Sinclair and I decided to join forced and become cobloggers. I could have joined her blog or she could have joined my blog. Instead we chose to launch an entirely new, far more incredible blog than either of us could ever imagine.

That blog is open. Now.

Cuddlebuggery.blogspot.com is closing. But www.cuddlebuggery.com is ready for business and it's going to rock.

We're opening today with an interview with the incredible Veronica Rossi, author of Under The Never Sky.

Tomorrow, Steph and I go head to head in a Review War of Under The Never Sky.

We've got great reviews coming up and this week we'll be giving away a Hardcover copy of Under The Never Sky to one lucky follower of our new blog.

That's just the schedule for the next three days.

So come on over, join up and enjoy the show. We've got lots of give aways, special appearances and unique blog posts coming up over the next few weeks. Don't miss out.

Authors: Please write like this

2012-01-23T18:31:00.000-08:00

The recent GoodReads drama has brought on a whole slew of discussion about the state of the YA community and the bloggers and the authors. The debate over how reviewers should review books is not new but has been given a fresh make over and pushed onto the stage like a reluctant débutante, shaking in her six inch heels.

It was mostly revitalized by Stiefvater and has been picked up and debated over by others and other others.

Of course, the commentators come out to ask why we can't all review nicely and why we use snark and why can't we all just get along? Albeit with slightly less personality and absolutely no originality or differences in how we express ourselves.

I'm going to pretend for a moment that the arguments are sane and reasonable. Logically, if authors and other bloggers can legitimately make requests for the style and function of our reviews - then I think we should be able to do the same.

nd so here is my personal take on what an author is, and can do with their novels:

The only legitimate way to write your novels is in the style of a love child between Melina Marchetta and Neal Shusterman. That's drunk. Also, with a gambling problem and it's writing only to make money so that the mob won't kill them and their entire family. Imagine exactly what that child would be like, and write the novels that this child would write. Except you can't use vowels. Not even the letter "y" if it's functioning as a vowel. Maybe not even commas either. Commas are completely unprofessional. I think their curly little tail is taunting me aggressively.

The only exception to the aforementioned and completely valid writing style above is if you're writing in the style of Laini Taylor or Markus Zusak. Those are also valid writing styles that you can adopt. I will also allow you to deviate from the Laini Taylor style but only if you're writing in the style of Laini Taylor if she were born in Elizabethan times and hanging out with Shakespeare (but not friends. If they're friends then you've gone too far).

And theoretically, if reviews by definition must lack opinion and emotion then they should probably reflect the product that they are commentating on. Therefor none of you should ever write with emotions and none of your characters should have a personal opinion about anything. The storylines and themes should absolutely not resonate on a personal level with your audience. This will help us reviewers a lot since then we won't need to include an emotional response to your book in our review.

I also think your novel is not a valid novel and is only a very long expressive post if any of your characters use the word "irrevocably" or deviate from the above standards at all.

This is a completely valid, well-thought out opinion and I hope that all authors will respect it. I will now only be reading your work if you do all of the above to standards that I deem acceptable. It is then perfectly understandable and reasonable that, should you fail to perform to the above expectations, that I will no longer consider you authors but instead refer to you as expressive post writers.

Book Review: Raw Blue by Kristy Eagar

2012-01-21T18:22:00.000-08:00

Raw Blue by Kirsty Eagar

Carly has dropped out of uni to spend her days surfing and her nights working as a cook in a Manly café. Surfing is the one thing she loves doing … and the only thing that helps her stop thinking about what happened two years ago at schoolies week.

And then Carly meets Ryan, a local at the break, fresh out of jail. When Ryan learns the truth, Carly has to decide. Will she let the past bury her? Or can she let go of her anger and shame, and find the courage to be happy?

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

If you've been around Goodreads for a while, you may have noticed that there's this particular reviewer. Let's call her Smarty McSmart-Pants. This reviewer has a reputation for having near impeccable taste in books. Usually, whatever book she gives five stars, we're bound to love as well. Some of the other reviewers and I have a little thing going where we recommend her books because, clearly, whoever can recommend a book she likes is Queen of Goodreads for that short amount of time.

So when Smarty McSmart-Pants personally descended from her cloud-like residence and recommended this book to me via a burning tree, I jumped at the opportunity to read it. After all, it had everything going for it. Firstly, it’s written by an Australian author. A condition know within the Goodreads community to be like the kiss of the angels. Secondly, it’s recommended by aforementioned reviewer, and thirdly, it was insanely expensive to purchase. So I am completely flabbergasted that I liked this novel a lot, but didn’t really love it.

There’s a lot of words I want to use to describe this novel and its main character, Carly. See, I want to describe it as a graphic reflection on the life of a nineteen year old, traumatised rape victim.

But she wouldn’t appreciate that description. She wouldn’t like being summarised as one horrible moment in her life or to have what happened to her cheapened or used for shock value. Though it may seem silly to kowtow to the wishes of an imaginary literary character, I will.

So this is the story of Carly, nineteen year old soft-hearted surfer-chick, who is hiding out in Manly and working as a kitchen cook to escape her family and the consequences of trauma inflicted upon her. She meets Ryan, another surfer with a shady past, and they spark up an awkward and shaky relationship.

The title of Raw Blue is a very accurate one, reflecting the real state of this novel. The prose are brash and raw with strong emotion.

“I scrabble my fingers in Ryan’s pubic hair and they brush against his penis which is spent, soft and vulnerable."

These prose are interspersed throughout the narrative. They are brash, strong and gloss over nothing.

The strongest aspect of this novel, undoubtedly, is its dealing with the subject of rape. The guilt, shame and anger is all there in its crippling insidiousness, helping the reader to feel as brittle and impotent as Carly is.

This is Carly’s journey to survive and conquer and the novel focuses on this as opposed to the romance with Ryan who serves as a catalyst for change but ultimately is powerless to rescue Carly from her own crippling emotions and trauma. That she has to do herself.

My major gripe with the novel is in its lackadaisical plot and sudden ending. The novel ends so abruptly and unexpectedly that one gets the impression Eagar was called to dinner just as she came toward the ending and never returned to finish the narrative. It leaves this awkward, unfulfilled feeling like great sex which is cut short and ends unsatisfactorily. There was a climax missed there, I feel, and I finished the novel with a vague frustration. There were plot points that had felt strong all the way through and then suddenly fizzled into limp nothings. Shane and Danny felt like potential completely wasted. What really was their point outside a brief moment each gave to the plot? I felt like there was so much missing, having been cut away from Eagar’s original intent.

I have one more complaint with this novel as silly as it is. I feel it’s my duty to inform international readers that the bulk of Australians do not talk like the characters in this novel. I’ve probably referred to someone as “mate” a total of three times in my life and I’m pretty sure every single one of those was in jest. Perhaps that’s what stopped me from really escaping into this otherwise marvelous narrative. I couldn’t escape the mental images of every Ocker, daggy Australian bloke that Ryan produced in me.

I believe this is the clinical definition of gross.

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Book Review: Where She Went by Gayle Forman

2012-01-21T17:31:00.001-08:00

Where She Went by Gayle Forman

It's been three years since the devastating accident . . . three years since Mia walked out of Adam's life forever.

Now living on opposite coasts, Mia is Juilliard's rising star and Adam is LA tabloid fodder, thanks to his new rock star status and celebrity girlfriend. When Adam gets stuck in New York by himself, chance brings the couple together again, for one last night. As they explore the city that has become Mia's home, Adam and Mia revisit the past and open their hearts to the future - and each other.

Told from Adam's point of view in the spare, lyrical prose that defined If I Stay, Where She Went explores the devastation of grief, the promise of new hope, and the flame of rekindled romance.

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Where She Went is the successional addition to Forman's spectacular If I Stay. If the seminal theme of If I Stay were about finding a reason to continue living, then Where She Went’s theme could be construed as finding what makes life worthwhile and livable.

Adam, an infamous badboy rocker, has been in a perilous emotional and mental state since his longtime girlfriend, Mia Hall left him. Chance brings them together for one more night and this novel chronicles those precious twenty-four hours together and Mia and Adam get down to what’s really important.

You guys would not believe the horrible search terms I needed to use to find this image...

Okay, not really. But there’s a lot of dissecting their relationship and what happened between them to result in a three year absence that has crippled Adam emotionally.

In form and function, Where She Went is very similar to If I Stay. They’re both character driven novels sparse on action and heavy on reflective and emotional content. They’re also almost entirely reliant on the strength of their character voices, giving Forman and veritable tightrope to balance on between pained and raw characters, or whiny emo complainers.

There is a noticeable difference that is strongly pronounced between this novel and the last one though. In If I stay there is a full cast of varied, lovable, interconnected characters common history but divergent personalities. Where She Went is a departure in this area. Adam is an isolated character, having lost even his passion for music which had been fueling him.

Where Mia had been a self-introspective prone to examining the people around her, her relationship to them and everyone’s motives, Adam is more of a reactive character.

“My hand is shaking and my heart is pounding and I feel the beginnings of a panic attack, the kind that makes me sure I’m about to die.”

We get a lot of this physical narrative and you have to search within the circumstances and dialogue to make sense of Adam’s motives and reasoning because he is usually quite vague about it himself. Mia was a character who knew herself and the people around her. Adam is a character who is almost wholly blind to his and other people’s motivations and reasoning.

Gayle uses a variety of rich, descriptive language without seeming ingenuous to the voice of a twenty-one year old musician – at least to the layman.

Still, despite all the praise, I struggled to connect to Adam and the narrative to the degree that I had in If I Stay. But don’t confuse my admittance that this is a less emotive novel, with it not being an emotional novel at all. Where She Went still packs a falcon punch to the heart strings and still manages to illicit some seriously strong passion.

Perhaps my favourite aspect of this book is the song extracts at the beginning of each chapter. Stiefvater’s debut, Shiver, never resonated with me as I never connected to Sam’s poetry. It always felt contrived and weak and lessened the novel for me. Adam, on the other hand, I would listen to and read were he a real person.

Perhaps that's Forman's strongest ability. Her characters have a complexity and depth to them, missing in so many other YA novels. It's not exactly hard to make musicians seem sexy but Forman certainly knows how to exceed past all expectations. For most readers, this novel will not disappoint.

Tuba? More like Tuboner! Hahahahahaha! Okay, no more musician jokes.

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Book Review: Goddess Interrupted by Aimee Carter

2012-01-14T18:07:00.001-08:00

Goddess Interrupted by Aimee Carter

Kate Winters has won immortality.

But if she wants a life in the Underworld with Henry, she’ll have to fight for it.

Becoming immortal wasn’t supposed to be the easy part. Though Kate is about to be crowned Queen of the Underworld, she’s as isolated as ever. And despite her growing love for Henry, ruler of the Underworld, he’s becoming ever more distant and secretive. Then, in the midst of Kate’s coronation, Henry is abducted by the only being powerful enough to kill him: the King of the Titans.

As the other gods prepare for a war that could end them all, it is up to Kate to save Henry from the depths of Tartarus. But in order to navigate the endless caverns of the Underworld, Kate must enlist the help of the one person who is the greatest threat to her future.

Henry’s first wife, Persephone.

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I requested Goddess Interrupted as I'd seen potential, amidst the frustration, in The Goddess Test. I thought that, given time, hard work and thoughtful application to her prose, Carter might be a good author one day.

Unfortunately, that didn't quite happen here and part of me understands why. A lot of the reviews for The Goddess Test focus on:

GAH! The mythology! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and

A VIRGIN!? A VIRGIN!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

A VIRGIN. I mean, I'm not getting over that any time soon!

So I appreciate Carter's efforts to address some of that a little in the novel. Well, no not really, but I'm trying really hard to be nice here.

But the underlying themes of fidelity and sexual repression were always highly problematic and they've only devolved in this novel.

We see this through the characters of Ava and Persephone who are judged and censured very heavily by the main character, Kate. Ava stays pretty firmly in the camp of irredeemable slut. As for Persephone: one moment she's the Whore of Babylon and the next she's just a selfish, confused woman. Note: Neither of these are accurate or even good characterization!

Kate says over and over that, no matter what, she would NEVER have cheated on Henry. That's nice, Kate. You're all of, what? 18? Easy to make absolutes when you're 18 and it's your first time in love. So very, very easy.

Persephone was a confused, naive girl when she was married off (didn't chose) to the Lord of the Underworld. She never loved him, she hated her job and she withered up without the sun and freedom. She stayed that way for THOUSANDS of years before finally falling in love with a man and deciding that she'd had enough of a loveless, passionless marriage. Yet everyone, even the other gods who saw her and how miserable she was, judges her as a shameless hussy.

How long does Kate last in her passionless, loveless marriage? *Pulls out fingers and toes to start counting* well, let's see. They married just before her six month vacation where she didn't see or hear from Henry. And when she gets back shit breaks out and so when she finally decides to leave him it would have been... a day. Yes. it takes her a day of actually being with Henry before she hangs up the crown and decides to ditch him.

The double standards, which exist all through this book, are aggravating.

In the the first book Ava is punished by Kate. You see, Ava had been in a relationship with one man. Then she'd ditched him and started seeing another guy. Guy #1 bursts in on guy #2 and they fight. One of them almost dies. Whose at fault? Ava. Obviously. Men can't be expected to control themselves when it comes to sex and it was CLEARLY Ava's fault for... whatever.

So we see Calliope turn evil and she does it because her husband, Zeus, has cheated on her throughout antiquity. It was really satisfying to see everyone angry and annoyed with Walter. To see him take personal responsibility for his actions and how they've affected Calliope and to see him take part in her punishment... no, wait. Sorry, none of that happens. Actually, Calliope is handed over to him so that he can punish her and and try to force her compliance. She disgusts him. Charming.

The fail, unfortunately, doesn't stop there.

We have frustrating characters, too little plot for too many novels, bad pacing, vague action scenes and feminist issues with how the main character is treated.

I could spend all day complaining about how often we had to have Kate reassured that Henry loved her, or how frustratingly annoying Henry is or how unnecessary James is as a character. About how Henry WASN'T a virgin because he'd had sex. Once with Persephone. And it was terrible. You know, I think that's actually worse than if he were a virgin...

But most of all, I'm STILL just really disappointed. Because this is still watered-down mythology and a poor excuse of a Hades/Persephone retelling. It's still a copout in so many ways and it's still thoughtless in its narrative and treatment of characters.

I won't read the next one. I think Carter's progress as a writer is limited in the world she's already built. But I do think I've seen evidence in the text that leads me to believe that she's better than this. I guess I'll have to wait until she leaves this series behind to find out if that's true.

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Book Review: If I Stay by Gayle Forman

2012-01-11T15:03:00.001-08:00

If I Stay by Gayle Forman

In a single moment, everything changes. Seventeen year- old Mia has no memory of the accident; she can only recall riding along the snow-wet Oregon road with her family. Then, in a blink, she finds herself watching as her own damaged body is taken from the wreck...

A sophisticated, layered, and heartachingly beautiful story about the power of family and friends, the choices we all make -and the ultimate choice Mia commands.

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I played the violin for five years and the viola for three. It is the piano that only lasted for one year. My older brother and I began our lessons together when I was nine.

My brother was a smart kid, but he didn't know it then. It didn't help that his little sister was extremely competitive, precocious and bratty. I think he always believed he didn't have much going for him - but boy he has it where it counts.

Back then I thought I was so much smarter than him, and taking up the piano was another chance for me to prove that. Unlike my brother, who had never played an instrument before, I could sight-play and was already studied in the necessary music theory aspects from the violin.

And, in form, I was better than him. For a while. Effectively speaking, I always was always going to be better at him in the technical arena. But he was better where it counted. When it came to the heart of the music, bringing a piece alive and making it beautiful - I was completely outclassed. I played like a robot and he played with his soul.

This book makes me regret that more now than I've ever regretted it before in my life.

If I Stay is a beautifully written, character-driven novel about a girl choosing between life and death. It was also one of the best narrated audiobooks I have ever listened to.

Mia's body is in ICU and she is waiting to die. As the events from her car crash unfold, she examines her relationships with everyone to determine whether or not it's worth staying or dying peacefully from her crash.

There were parts of this novel that had me weeping, my heart aching and my chest pounding with emotion. Mia's voice, her relationships, her struggles and her pain are so brilliantly related to the audience.

The writing isn't perfect. There are some parts that could have been a little more polished. Some paragraphs that probably needed another edit. However, the technical writing aspects are far and above overcompensated by the heart and soul of this novel.

This novel is like Mia's Cello. It is beautiful, resounding and emotional. Just as Mia can play Adam like her instrument, so too can Forman play her audience - strumming all the high and low notes with perfect, breathtaking clarity. Without a doubt, Forman has it where it counts.

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Would you like some plagiarism with your Amazon?

2012-01-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

Important Links:
Original call for help
The ebook that started it all
The original content
Discussion
More discussion

What Happened?

Goodreader Beth's previously published (2005) work was being sold by Robin Scott on Amazon and claimed as Scott's own writing.

All of Scott's plagiarized work has now been removed by Amazon. Which, funnily enough, was everything she'd ever published on the website.

Who'd have guessed? Also, my shrug is very French, no?

Shadowlander by Theresa Meyers

2012-01-10T03:52:00.001-08:00

Shadowlander by Theresa Meyers

Four sisters, three rules to live by, one big problem.

O'Connell Family Rule #1: Don't let the Fae know you see them.
O'Connell Family Rule #2: Don't talk to the Fae.
O'Connell Family Rule #3: Never, ever follow them.

Most people only believe what they can see. Gifted with the ability to see the deep, dark fae of Shadowland, Catherine Rowan Mary O'Connell would prefer not to. When the fae abduct her friend Maya, Cate breaks the sacred O'Connell Family Rules and sets a trap for the handsome fae who haunts her every step.

Rook, High Court Advisor to the Shadow King, has been following Cate since she was sixteen. When Cate reveals herself as one of the fabled "Seers", Rook is stunned—she is one of the few that can permanently open the gates between their worlds. If he turns her over to the Shadow King, his court will rule the human realm.

Cate knows she has precious little time to find Maya. By midnight, the glamour of Mid-Summer's Eve will fade, leaving her trapped forever in the Shadowland, but Maya's abductor won't give up the woman he's mesmerized easily.

The midnight hour is almost at hand. Cate must choose: her freedom or her destiny.

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

In one regard, life has taught me not to expect too much from a Novella. Yet I think this one still managed to let down even my low expectations and I'm a little depressed about that.

Cate and her family are seers of the Fae and so must hide their abilities. Rook is a fae who stalks Cate, thinking she can't see him. Their paths collide when one of Cate's friends is kidnapped by the fae. She needs to get into the Fae world to get her friend back and he needs her to begin the Fae conquest of Earth. Also they fall in love and shag along the way.

And thus we come across our first issue and it is one in which the author has bitten off more than they can chew. This is, in its essence, a massive story to undertake in a novella.

Kidnappings? Peril to the human race? Forbidden hunky fairy love? You don't say! I'm intrigued. Tell me more.

Yet all of this is rather handled in the most cavalier way by the author, leaving the reader with desperate, gaping, plotholes and burning questions.

For starters, the kidnapped girl: Meg.

Before she is kidnapped, our only insight into this character is that she is someone who invites a friend to lunch, planning the entire time to ditch her for a preplanned date. This same friend is also a work colleague and she also plans (ahead of time) to ditch their important presentation for the aforementioned date and expects to still take half the credit for the work done.

Cate's gifting is hereditary, and she has several sisters. It's a gift she's had to hide her entire life. If the fae discover her gifting then she'll disappear forever as her mother once did. To reveal herself may put her family in extraordinary danger. She knows this. Keep all of that in mind when I tell you that she throws it out the window to save the friend I just described. Call me cruel, call me evil, call me a bitch. I don't care. There's no way I would endanger my life and my family for someone like that, and I don't think most normal people would either. I might even dust my hands off, kick my feet up and consider my life burdened with one less oxygen thief.

Secondly, Cate's brilliant scheme for getting the world's worst friend back is nonsensical.

Go to Fairyland + Hot Fairy + ? = ~~profit~~ getting friend back.

She doesn't have a plan. THIS is NOT a plan! This is a concept and a vague intention. Making out with a random Fairy and traipsing off into Fairyland with a) no way to return home, b) no plans or assurances this Fairy will help you or c) absolutely no clue what you're doing is not clever thinking!

Rook's characterization is, if possible, even more aggravating. He's been stalking this girl since she was sixteen and not once has she given a hint of her abilities. He is right there watching when her supposed friend is kidnapped right in front of her. Of all the days to reveal her abilities and seduce him, she chooses that day. Look, kids, this is not hard maths here. It doesn't take leaps and bounds in logic to assume the woman has a hidden agenda. Yet Rook is shocked, shocked I say, when he realizes that she came with him to fairy in order to retrieve her friend.

Lastly, and perhaps the most aggravating aspect of this novel. He is a fairy. They're planning to invade our planet, subvert our autonomy and replace us as supreme rulers of earth. There is no convincing him otherwise. As a human being, her reaction to all of this is?

Doesn't matter; had sex. Thanks, Cate. Sold out your whole race for Fairy Peen. Good job there.

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The Legacy of Eden by Nelle Davy

2012-01-10T02:37:00.000-08:00

The Legacy of Eden by Nelle Davy

"To understand what it meant to be a Hathaway, you'd first have to see Aurelia."

For generations, Aurelia was the crowning glory of more than three thousand acres of Iowa farmland and golden cornfields. The estate was a monument to matriarch Lavinia Hathaway's dream to elevate the family name - no matter what relative or stranger she had to destroy in the process. It was a desperation that wrought the downfall of the Hathaways - and the once prosperous farm.

Now the last inhabitant of the decaying old home has died - alone. None of the surviving members of the Hathaway family want anything to do with the farm, the land, or the memories.

Especially Meredith Pincetti. Now living in New York City, for seventeen years Lavinia's youngest grandchild has tried to forget everything about her family and her past. But with the receipt of a pleading letter, Meredith is again thrust into conflict with the legacy that destroyed her family's once-great name. Back at Aurelia, Meredith must confront the rise and fall of the Hathaway family... and her own part in their mottled history.

"Our farm was like the world when people still thought it was flat. And when you left it, it was as if you had simply sailed too far and fallen off the surface into the void."

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

It's hard to talk objectively about The Legacy of Eden because it is an intensely personal novel. How much you relate to it may well rest upon how horribly dysfunctional your family is. Or was. And I'm not just referring to your parents occasionally fighting or you uncle occasionally getting drunk and being thrown out of bars. This book is about the kind of family dysfunction that is a sickness spreading down the family lines until nobody is left unscathed.

In Meredith's family, that sickness began with her grandmother, Lavinia. The book chronicles Lavinia through her marriages, her children, her children's marriages and then to her grandchildren. In every single one of them you see the signs and symptoms of the sickness in all its forms and variation. You watch as, one by one, it ravages and destroys the family from the inside out.

Anybody looking for a great deal of events and a fast-moving plot are best to avoid this one. Davy takes her time skillfully weaving the tale. She hops backwards and forwards and slithers through time to bring her narrative together.

Where The Legacy of Eden really shines is its characterization. Each person in this novel is like a finely crafted portrait. Lavinia stands out as the strongest character, but all of them have their place - whether they make you fall in love with them, respect them, fear for them, mourn them or despise them. What you will probably not do, is get bored of them.

Davy's writing is quite masterful. Her prose are beautiful and whimsical and Meredith's voice is not a completely horrible headspace to be in.

I really, really loved this book as I was drawn into the mystery and intrigue. I'm not entirely sure I'll ever read it again. It's the kind of book that makes you look back on your own family legacy and look at the cracks and rotten tree limbs. For some, it'll give that strange sense of nostalgia for something both horrible yet infinitely familiar.

And I guess horrible yet infinitely familiar is the perfect way to sum up the story and most of the characters.

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Dear Authors

2012-01-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

Here's something to think about - and it's just a little thing.

You have a lot to do when it comes to getting your book and ebook licensed. My one request and plea is that you keep Australia in mind when you do it.

You know? This place!

We have a lot of these:

But you know what else we have a lot of? These:

Now, you may think that's a stock photo of a woman biting her laptop. And yes, it is. But do you know what else it is? It's a representation of an Australian trying to buy an ebook version of your book. And she's biting her laptop because there's not one available. Then she went and looked up ten other ebooks she wanted to buy. They weren't available either. So she bit her laptop. That may seem like a strange reaction to non-Australians but 9 times out of 10, biting things is very effective here in Australia. Alas, this is that one time it's not. No matter how many times I bite my laptop, ebooks don't appear.

I get it, I really do. So do most Australians. We're a small market and we're very far away and very easy to forget about. I think Bill Bryson's In a Sunburned Country said it best when he wrote:

"The fact is, of course, we pay shamefully scant attention to our dear cousins Down Under - though not entirely without reason, I suppose. Australia is, after all, mostly empty and a long way away. Its population, about 19 million, is small by world standards - China grows by a larger amount each year - and its place int he world economy is consequently peripheral; as an economic entity, it is about the same size as Illinois. From time to time it sends us useful things - opals, merino wool, Errol Flynn, the boomerang - but nothing we can't actually do without. Above all, Australia doesn't misbehave. it is stable and peaceful and good. It doesn't have coups, recklessly over fish, arm disagreeable despots, grow cocoa in provocative quantities or throw its weight around in a brash manner."

So you put it on the last of your licensing to-do list and if you get the time, you'll license your book to us. Maybe. The problem is when you do that, and then all your author friends do that as well. Then we're stuck with no ebooks and nobody cares. Except for us. Look up "Australia" and "ebooks". There are hundreds of sites with thousands of Australians complaining about not being about to get ebooks.

I have over 300 books on my tbr shelf. Many of them are there because I'm desperate to read them but they're just not available to me without buying it from overseas and paying exorbitant shipping costs. Ordering two books from Amazon will cost me $25. Having them shipped to me will cost me over $40. That's almost double the price of the books at the end of the day and Amazon's free shipping policy does not apply to Australians.

This could all be circumvented if their ebooks were available to me for sale. But they're not.

So please keep it in mind when you're doing your licensing. Don't forget us. Don't put us off for six-eight months (or forever) and treat us like third class citizens for daring to want to spend our hard earned money on your product.

We will be very, very grateful for the courtesy of at least having the option of buying your work.

Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake

2012-01-08T19:01:00.001-08:00

Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake

Cas Lowood has inherited an unusual vocation: He kills the dead.

So did his father before him, until his gruesome murder by a ghost he sought to kill. Now, armed with his father's mysterious and deadly athame, Cas travels the country with his kitchen-witch mother and their spirit-sniffing cat. Together they follow legends and local lore, trying to keep up with the murderous dead—keeping pesky things like the future and friends at bay.

When they arrive in a new town in search of a ghost the locals call Anna Dressed in Blood, Cas doesn't expect anything outside of the ordinary: move, hunt, kill. What he finds instead is a girl entangled in curses and rage, a ghost like he's never faced before. She still wears the dress she wore on the day of her brutal murder in 1958: once white, but now stained red and dripping blood. Since her death, Anna has killed any and every person who has dared to step into the deserted Victorian she used to call home.

And she, for whatever reason, spares his life.

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I don't believe in ghosts. I don't believe in Ouji boards, aliens, loch ness monsters, abominable snowmen, poltergeists, republicans or any of that other stuff.

My little brother makes me watch those ghost hunter documentaries (I'm using that term lightly) and tries to show me the DARN FACTS, DAMNIT KATE! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THEY'RE REAL?

Funny how he believes in ghosts but not the continued statistical evidence that indicates women still suffer from inequality and, yes little brother, even in western society. *Cue eye roll*

So keep that in mind when I say that this book scared the shit out of me.

Nothing is less fun then getting up in the middle of a dark night to tend to your son. You're creeping through the halls thinking over and over in your head, "Ghosts aren't real. Ghosts aren't real. Fuck what was that?! Nothing, okay? That was nothing because ghosts aren't real. Ghosts aren't real."

It's not a perfect novel. Apart from the pants-shitting terror, there is Cas to deal with. A lot of other reviews cover how his head space is occasionally annoying to be in. For me, that just felt like realism because if I were a badass, devil-may-care, teenage ghost hunter (if they existed, little bro) then I'd probably be really smarmy and annoying too.

What I really enjoyed was Anna and her relationship with Cas. Anna was like the girl next door. If the girl next door tore livers out of people to play hackey sack with, that is. She's this really lovely, murdersome, complicated ghost character. Although, I have to wonder how much she has to complain about really. I mean, sure, she's a dead horror-monster stuck in a house filled with the spiritual husks of her victims - but she died in a really awesome dress! And it even changes colour from white to red depending on how sadistically evil and murdery she feels at that time. Downside? I can't think of one.

I enjoyed the writing, the cast of characters, the plot and the pacing. I enjoyed pretty much everything about this novel.

I mean, who wouldn't want to spend the next two weeks pondering why the interrobang ever managed to fall out of popular use while roaming the dark halls of their house?

"What the hell was that?!"

"Is it going to eat me?!"

"Will they hear me scream!?"

"Why'd I read that stupid, fucking book... shitamIgoingtodie!?"

"When is the next one coming out?!"

View all my reviews

Wank Fest Continues

2012-01-07T01:34:00.000-08:00

So the wankfest continues and some new stuff happens. Whether we're ever going to be able to get back to reading and reviewing books is still undecided.

1. Julie McGuire and Jane Litte have a Twitter battle.

Important Links
Jamie McGuire's Twitter
Jane Litte's Twitter
Jane Litte's Beautiful Disaster review.

What Happened?

After the debacle in which McGuire abuses negative reviewers in a blog, Jane Little decided to take matters into her own claws. A catfight is the obvious result.

L: "I'm posting my review on Sat of ur book & it contains everything you seem to hate and despise in a review."

Ouch...

M: "I'm sorry you're disappointed. I'm disappointed you have entire website about you opinion, but I'm not allowed one blog."

The rest of the Twitter battle can be found here and here.

~~As of this moment, Litte hasn't posted any review other than the following found here.~~

Jane Litte posted her review on Dear Author, and it's very tame and professional.

As of this moment, McGuire has still not apologized for attacking a reviewer, and has instead reinforced on her blog that the entire post was an attack on one specific review.

"1. This blog is not directed toward all negative reviews. Beautiful Disaster elicits strong emotions in many people, and not always in a good way. This blog entry was directed at something very specific, and those involved know exactly what I was referring to. I kept the particular issue vague on purpose, and did not post a link because I didn't want anyone outside of those "in the know" going to that particular review. I hope this answers that question."

The reviewer in question, Sophie, has continued to be attacked by McGuire's fans.

2. Memyshelfandi blogs about books being compared to Twilight. Her complaints are compared to a recent bullied reviewer.

Important Links:

The blog post that started it!

Discussed here

What happened?
Amber from memyshelfandi.com writes a blog post in reaction to reviews comparing books to Twilight. This bothers her.

Leigh Fallon, recently discovered to have launched an email campaign against a review (and it's author) where her book was compared to Twilight, likes this blogpost.

Links are made between this blogpost and Fallon's recent cyber attack on Stephanie.

Amber denies this in the comments (Awesome!)

Then, on twitter, suggests there might be one (...not so awesome.)

3. Author Julie Halpern lashes out at Book blogger Allison at The Allure of Books

Important Links:

The blog post that started it
The review that started it

Discussions

More discussions

What Happened?

Julie Halpern writes a personal attack on Allison's recent review of Don't Stop Now. The blogger world reels from the ridiculousness of it all. Then a rash of discussion breaks out.

She posts a second blog post. It is not an apology. She blames the bloggers for being too sensitive and justifies her attack.

A third and final blog post is written demanding bloggers stop being so upset about her offensive posts.

The bloggers agree, forgive her and rush to buy her new book. Then they all die from a sarcasm overload.

Halpern deletes the blogs. Unfortunately, Google Cache doesn't delete as fast as she does.

4. Several Authors rehash old blog posts or write new ones in support of book reviewers.

Important Links:
Julie Kagawa's reposted blog
Rachel Caine's rediscovered post
Pam van Hylckama Vlief's post
Veronica Roth's post
Phoebe North's blog post

What Happened:

Julie Kagawa reposts her blog because she is sick of the drama.
Pam posts and addresses some of the bad author behaviour because she is sick of the drama.
Rachel Cain's old blog post is rediscovered because authors and reviewers are sick of the drama.
Veroinca Roth writes a blog post on her opinion of the author and reviewer condition because she is sick of the drama.
Phoebe North writes a blog post on her pledge as a writer and reviewer because she is sick of the drama.

Everyone swoons and says, "Finally!" because EVERYONE IS SICK OF THE DRAMA!

5. Author Rick Lipman claims book bloggers sacrifice virigins. Could be true.

Important links:

Twitter status
Discussion

What Happened?

Aspiring YA author, Rick Lipman provides valuable insight into the darker side of book blogger activities, revealing startling new information.

When asked to back up the various allegations, Lipman's response is, "But why would I lie?" Compelling and also irrefutable in its logic, we are forced to believe him. Other twitterers joined in with further insider information, shocking the reviewing world.

"You guys. I didn't want to tell you this because I didn't want to stoop to their level, but: Book reviewers ate my baby."

"I'm pretty sure book bloggers faked the moon landing. And are also Satan."

Some book bloggers are offended, yet ultimately can't deny the accusations and eventually are forced to agree with Lipman.

What REALLY happened?

I'm not sure, but I think it was awesome.

The First Five Days on Goodreads

2012-01-05T19:30:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2012.

I'm reviewing the first five Goodreads days so far and it amounts to a fat 1 star because the drama llamas are out to play, folks!

So in case you've missed all the juicy GoodReads gossip - here it is, folks.

1. Kira Vs Krokos

Important Links:

The Review that started it all

What happened:

Krokos begins by criticizing Kira's prereview of Julie Cross' Tempest. It snowballs from there. He takes the discussion to Twitter where other authors join in. Their twitter messages can be found here.

Mindee Arnett: Apparently she tweeted as well but I can't seem to find any tweets so I can't confirm this one. I haven't been able to find any tweets to implicate Arnett so I'm taking her off the list.

Lauren DeStefano: "I'd even venture to say GR makes 4chan look like a hallmark card from my own loving granny."

Bill Cameron: "Goodreads is such a hellhole I fled months ago."

Jessica Corra: "Everyone's a critic."

Courtney Allison Moulton: "A hot new way to destroy a publishing career before you have it."

Pam van Hylckama: "Where you go when you get a bit too full of yourself."

Rachel Hawkins: "It is your right to be an a-hole on the internet. But then you don't get to be offended when someone is like, "Hey. You are an a-hole."

and she goes on:

"B/c be honest. You KNEW you were being an a-hole. Maybe you were even being a FUNNY a-hole. And that's valid! Sometimes we gotta get snarky!"

And on:

"But when you SAY A-HOLE THINGS, and someone is like, "HEY, THAT IS SLIGHTLY A-HOLISH OF YOU!" maybe don't yell, "OPPRESSION OMG!"

And on:

"No one is trying to oppress you. Or take away your right to be an a-hole on the internet. But words have power, actions have consequences."

And still goes on:

"So anyway, that's my two cents. In the words of @wilw, don't be a dick. And if you ARE going to be one perhaps climb down from high horses."

We can't actually confirm, or deny, whether Hawkin's is still tweeting this commentary or if people just got bored and stopped screen-capping them

The debate also led to Agent Suzie Townsend posting to defend her clients Julie Cross and Dan Krokos and then to delete her Goodreads account.

Krokos, Corra, Moulton, DeStefano and Hylckama later came forward to apologize. It appears that Corra, Moulton, Hylckama and DeStefano were unaware of the hoopla and were simply responding to the hashtag.

Debate also raged on several user status' and blog posts. An old post of DeStefano's ignited debate over whether her attitude to negative reviews has changed in the year since it was published.

Then Hannah Moskowitz wrote An Open Letter To Those Who Review on Goodreads and everyone agreed she was, like, the coolest person ever.

Duh.

2. Goodreads reviewer, Flannery, is attacked by author Danielle Weiller

Important links:

The Review that started it all!

What happened:

On Flannery's 3 star (huh?) review of Goddess Melina Marchetta's Froi of the Exiles, Danielle Weiller takes a swipe at the reviewer for her gratuitous snark. Then gets defensive. Then apologizes. Very quickly. To Wendy (Huh?)

Message 49:

"I found this review quite harsh and extreme in taking things out of context. Finnikin and Isaboe have never had an easy relationship and have always struggled with sharing responsibility and power. Theyve had some fantastic arguments.
I know goodreads is a place to share opinions but the sarcasm in this review - then giving it 3 stars when it sounded like you really wanted to give it 1 - was a bit mean. Spare a thought for all the authors hard work and reading this review and seeing your picture of her character - sometimes readers are just too harsh."

Message 56:

"Now now, let's not surround the minority here like a pack of wolves. I dont know any of you outside this review and its comments. I just wonder if readers care at times that authors do actually read these and can be discouraged by certain tones and comments."

Message 68:

"I fully understand all the comments here - Id just like to know where the ethics and boundaries are here."

3. Leigh Fallon's abusive email is sent to the reviewer it was antagonizing.

Important Links:

The status update!

What happened:

All-round wonderful person, and hilarious reviewer, Stephanie receives an anonymous email. The sender of the email claims to have received an email from Leigh Fallon regarding Stephanie's Amazon review and it says the following:

Thereis the stupid cow from Goodreads who has been real nasty and keeps doing upreally bad reviews of Carrier, then gets her friends to go in and 'like' herbad reviews so that that review will be pushed up to the top of all the lists.Now she's put it up on Amazon! She is a disgruntled old cow who doesn't like meand how I got published. There's no point in saying anything about her orresponding (she loves that) but what we can do is push her review back down thelist by bringing all the good reviews back to the top. How do we do this? Wellat the end of each review there is a little button where you can say whetheryou found the review helpful. Click YES on the good reviews. The more reviewsyou click YES you click on the good reviews the further down the list thatbitch will go. If you leave a comment on the good reviews, that helps too.She's already got over 20 of her buds to YES her review so we will need to findmore people than that to YES the good reviews. There are about 8 pages of reviews(that's about 7 reviews or something like that) so we can bury this horribletoe rag down the very bottom if you help me out.

As far as I'm aware, you don't have to havebought anything on Amazon to get your vote to count. You just need to be a registereduser. It only takes about 5 mins to go through all the reviews and YES the goodones. I'm not asking to dickie with the system or anything, it's just moving ahorrible review from the top spot. It's so long, you have to scroll for agesuntil you get to the good ones. I'd really appreciated it help on his. I'd alsolove if you could maybe gets some friends or family to do the same.

Thanks a million, guys. You're the best.

Leigh

Disbelief over the authenticity is widespread. Until Stephanie emails Leigh Fallon herself and discovers that it's all true and so Fallon apologizes.

DearStephanie:

I owe you a message and an apology. I sent a private email to two close friendsand I’ve learned that that email somehow found its way to your inbox.Obviously, it was not meant for yours or anyone else's eyes, but more to thepoint, it was not something I should’ve sent in the first place. It was writtenin anger and I’m sorry for the hurt it has caused you. As an author, I’mgrateful for all of my readers, including those who do not end up loving thebook—believe it or not!—and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to thinkcritically about the book and share their thoughts. That said, to put itplainly, your review hurt my feelings. I know it wasn’t meant as an attack onme, but some days, I don’t have a thick skin. So I turned to my friends andvented. I’m sorry for my hurtful words. You are clearly a book lover—youdeserve only my respect for our shared love of the written word. Please acceptmy apology.

Yours,

Leigh

Debate rages over Fallon's response as indicated by the fact that in order to knock Stephanie's review off the top spot, she would have needed far more than two people.

4. Vanity Published author, Jamie McGuire, lashes out at a reviewer.

Important links:

~~The offending blog post.~~ McGuire has now deleted this post. Luckily, I have a screenshot.

The review that started it.

One discussion, and then another, longer discussion.

What happened:

Sophie, a relatively new reviewer (since Oct 2011 and with only 30ish friends) wrote a review on McGuire's debut novel, Beautiful Disaster. The review is... less than complimentary. Beautiful Disaster fans flock to attack her review. Then complain when she responds. Then McGuire gets involved, writing a scathing blogpost and makes several tweeted comments quoting 1 star reviews and criticizing them.

People point out that a reviewer, defending herself on her own review, does not class as someone attacking McGuire's fans, but rather that her fans are attacking the reviewer. Much discussion is had and McGuire... doesn't apologize. At all.

She does manage to make a bunch of half-assed responses, and then deletes them.

And onto the last and final scandal:

Drumroll, please!

5. Fabulous author of Seraphina, Rachel Hartman is caught belly dancing to Love in an Elevator.

No links because this is only an alleged scandal. Pics or it didn't happen, Hartman!

ETA:

It's true!!!!!!!! Hartman, you saucy minx!

I can also report and confirm that within minutes of Hartman posting this photo on her profile, Goodreads crashed. True story. You just can't make that shit up.

The Wankfest contines here.

Wings by Aprilynne Pike

2012-01-05T02:31:00.001-08:00

Wings by Aprilynne Pike

Laurel was mesmerized, staring at the pale things with wide eyes. They were terrifyingly beautiful—too beautiful for words.
Laurel turned to the mirror again, her eyes on the hovering petals that floated beside her head. They looked almost like wings.
In this extraordinary tale of magic and intrigue, romance and danger, everything you thought you knew about faeries will be changed forever.

I probably shouldn't have read this. If you read the pre-read section at the bottom of the review, you'll see that I didn't even intend to order it. Yet, since I had it, I thought I'd give it a go.

I lasted 24 pages because that's all my sanity could take.

Laurel is a magazine-beautiful, waif-like teenager who leaves homeschooling in grade 10 in order to begin her high school career.

And that's when the story stops making sense. Not that the above makes any sense either. Models in magazines aren't even as ~~airbrushed~~ beautiful as models in magazines. I would just like to point that out now.

The comment could fly past as poor characterization and sloppy writing if it didn't go hand in hand with Laurel's horrible relationship with food. In fact, a great deal of emphasis is placed on what she eats. Once again, not entirely a problem except attention is also placed on how she feels when she eats. Which is guilty and "like a battle has been lost" when she eats half a pear and half a cup of juice.

I know, random guy, I know.

The writing is just terrible and the characterization can't even be mentioned because I'm pretty sure Goodread's lax profanity rules would not cover what I would end up saying.

Mostly, it's all so very saccharine sweet and ickly chaste, yet oddly kinky and unbelievably tame. I feel like I'm describing Disneyland here, but if I do, that might make people think of fun. Notice I deliberately left fun off the list. But, luckily, there was comparable amounts of vomit.

Spoilers below, folks.

Apparently. APPARENTLY, Laurel is not actually a human, but a fairy. And the reason she is a vegan is because she is a plant. Like, as in, she is not a red blooded mammal but is an actual plant...

I'm sorry, I'm going to need a judge's ruling on that.

Thank you. Steve Carell. I think you've said it all.

Look, you just. You don't do that. You just...don't. I mean, what school of biology did you go to? The Stephanie Meyer School of Biology, that's what!

I mean, and correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't 8th grade biology talk a lot about how plants photosynthesize to make energy and how they do respire but at night when there's no light and about how they don't have things like digestive systems and they don't have blood but, hey they do have Chloroplasts and Chlorophylls. And how they don't digest nutrients by eating them but by absorbing them through their roots. There just doesn't seem to be a lot of thought put into this.

I mean, look at organs like the brain. How does her brain work? They need A LOT Of protein. A huge amount actually. Which you can get by eating a healthy vegan diet, but she's not even doing that.

Scientists don't look at an ape-like creature and have this conversation:

"So, Doctor Rosenbaum, what do you think it is? Mammal? Reptile? Plant? Rock?"
"I don't know. I just don't know. If only there was some way of determining these things! Look, just to be safe, put it down as a bird. Just because it doesn't fly - doesn't mean it can't!"

I used to think that the old troll argument of, "You're overthinking it! Stop thinking so much and you'll enjoy it!" was full of shit. But, in this case, they're right. My highly developed mammalian brain just can not handle this level of stupidity. But even if I could somehow switch it off. Well, there enough other bad stuff in here that would spoil it anyway.

_____________________________________________Pre-read comments______________________________________

I'm not entirely sure why I'm reading this. For some reason I thought there was some controversy over this author and that I'd barred it, but it's not on my Do Not Read shelf so I must have been mistaken.

I went to pick up books from the library this afternoon and it was among them. I don't clearly remember ordering it so I asked for the order date and went home to Mr. Kennedy. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hey honey, was I drinking heavily on the 15th of December?"
Mr Kennedy: "Hmmm...the 15th was a Thursday. That's Corona day."
Me: "Ugh. Okay, definitely drunk. That explains it."
Mr Kennedy: "Let me guess, you found traffic cones and police hats again?"
Me: *Thinks for a second* "That probably would have been the preferable outcome."

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Nightshade by Andrea Cremer

2012-01-03T14:42:00.001-08:00

Nightshade by Andrea Cremer

Calla Tor has always known her destiny: After graduating from the Mountain School, she'll be the mate of sexy alpha wolf Ren Laroche and fight with him, side by side, ruling their pack and guarding sacred sites for the Keepers. But when she violates her masters' laws by saving a beautiful human boy out for a hike, Calla begins to question her fate, her existence, and the very essence of the world she has known. By following her heart, she might lose everything--including her own life. Is forbidden love worth the ultimate sacrifice?

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Usually, as a reviewer of YA and one who attracts a relative amount of trolls, I get told often that someone as OLD as me shouldn't be reviewing YA books. And at the staggeringly long-lived age of 25, I might as well be on Kidney dialysis and walking around with a zimmerframe to these people.

Coincidentally, how do you like my tiara?

Usually, I ignore these people because I can easily pretend to turn off my hearing aid and go to sleep. They stop annoying me when I "pretend" to fart in my sleep and snore simultaneously.

For the first time, probably ever, I really feel the distinction. I didn't like this book, so I'll still rate it. In fact, I didn't get past page 46 because I was afraid my eyes would roll out of my head if I kept pressing on.

This book is for teenagers. Like, teenagey teenagers. Of which, I am not one of them.

This book will relate to people who still think your clothing defines absolutely every aspect of your personality and who you can be friends with. Who still think that the most important thing is that's you're listening to the right bands and doing you're hair the way it's cool to do it now. People who GET Fred. *Disclaimer here: By "get Fred" I don't mean, "Get Fred and choke the life out of him because he shouldn't be allowed to exist." But if you did think that's what I meant then I think we can remain friends.

I am not teenagery. My teenage cousin spent her Christmas money on hair products because she needed to update her range. I spent my Christmas money on NOT defaulting on my homeloan by spending the GNP of Brazil on haircare products. I dress nicely and I will never, ever, get mistaken for a teenager. I wear PEARLS! Real pearls.

This book is SO not for me.

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Angelfall by Susan Ee

2011-12-27T13:35:00.001-08:00

Angelfall by Susan Ee

It's been six weeks since angels of the apocalypse descended to demolish the modern world. Street gangs rule the day while fear and superstition rule the night. When warrior angels fly away with a helpless little girl, her seventeen-year-old sister Penryn will do anything to get her back.

Anything, including making a deal with an enemy angel.

Raffe is a warrior who lies broken and wingless on the street. After eons of fighting his own battles, he finds himself being rescued from a desperate situation by a half-starved teenage girl.

Traveling through a dark and twisted Northern California, they have only each other to rely on for survival. Together, they journey toward the angels' stronghold in San Francisco where she'll risk everything to rescue her sister and he'll put himself at the mercy of his greatest enemies for the chance to be made whole again.

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The morning beckons and when I turn over the book I finished, in the midnight hours, is beside me. The fantasy world is slipping away, unable to follow me into the light. Reality creeps in with the rising dawn, but I'm reluctant to meet it. I want that world, character or emotion back but it's over. Time to find a new one in a new book and so the hunt is on but the sadness at leaving a good friend remains.

I feel that sadness this morning.

Ee has done something amazing here and not just because she's written probably one of the best post-apocalypse fantasies of the year. But that would be a big part of it, yes.

And you too can experience the goodness for just 99 cents on Amazon's kindle!

Angelfall is a remarkable book, because if I were to tell you the synopsis, it would be so unspectacular, so typical of the genre, so... ordinary! But this book is anything but ordinary.

Penryn's sister is captured by angels who've brought war and apocalypse to the human world. She finds an angel to help her retrieve her sister and they embark on a journey to get his wings back and rescue the young girl.

Simple, right? That's what I thought too. I thought I was just embarking on a ridiculous bandwagon that was being indulgent of an unusually good indie fic.

There are one or two issues I have with the novel but they are completely eclipsed by the brilliant story telling, characters and writing.

I loved Penryn so completely; believed in her and championed her. This book is a brilliant journey of great character and spirit. Full of the weird and wonderful. Ee has a great imagination and a gift for story telling.

I know after I finish writing this review I will go and hunt down my next read. Yet I will get increasingly aggravated and depressed because nothing I see is what I want. Because what I want is Angelfall #2 and none of those books will be that.

Go ahead. Jump on the bandwagon.

After all, you too could be waking up tomorrow wishing desperately that reality would just give you a little more time in this world, and with these characters, that Ee has created.

View all my reviews

Shit I'm Sick of Reading Part 1

2011-12-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

There's a group of books published in the last 5-10 years for the YA paranormal genre that I like to refer to as: Sucks More Ass than a Futuristic, Sadomasochistic Ass-sucking Machine.

Generally, they tend to be most of the industry's best selling YA paranormal series. Now, obviously they have some great appeal to be where they are. I've certainly come across some very dedicated fans who will defend these books with great aplomb to any and all that are in the general vicinity.

What is it that makes these critically despised books so damn popular?

Mostly, it is that they all deal with similar themes, they recycle very similar story lines and they use all the same tropes. Themes, storylines and tropes that I'm sick of reading and this is why:

#1. Love Triangles (Otherwise known as "The Term Love Triads Misappropriated for Ease of Understanding")

I did a post on over used tropes, and had to laugh when the overall response was, "Yes, it's perfectly okay to occasionally use cliches. Just not the love triangle. Ever. Again."

It's so true. Every time a secondary love interest shows up, I die a little inside.

See, I understand why it's so popular. To novice or unskilled authors it must seem like the best kind of math possible.

1 sexy male love interest = X amount of fangirl screams of joy.
So...
2 sexy male love interest therefore = 2 x X amount of fangirl screams of joy!

And I get why fans love it too - what's not to like about extra manmeat? But here's the problems associated with love triangles:

1. That extra guy will turn the main love interest into a douche.

Do you remember what it was that made Twilight even worse than it was originally?

If your answer is Stephanie Meyer than... well, that's a really good point actually. But no, it's Jacob. Now, before fan girls start manually twisting their panties and rooting around for rotten tomatoes: it's not that Jacob was a bad character.

I couldn't give less of a shit about Team Jacob or Team Edward but that his arrival on set turned Edward from an annoying, but occasionally bearable love interest, into full-blown psychopath. You could argue that Edward was always a psychopath and Jacob just brought it out of him and I would agree with you. That would have been an excellent plot twist if Bella hadn't run off and married the obsessive, controlling psychopath.

Leigh Pretnar Cousins, MS over at Psychcentral mentions the following things about love triangles:

There is tension in a primary relationship
Perhaps there is a disagreement
Perhaps a partner feels a basic need is not getting met

In the recesses of our primitive brains, we may think that it's sweet or romantic that the guys are fighting over her, because doesn't that just make her a special snowflake? Yet it doesn't stay that way and soon it becomes about winning. The main protagonist becomes objectified as a prize to be won, controlled or corralled and pretty soon everyone - including the audience - gets sick of it.

The reason behind the audience's attraction to the main male protagonist is usually because the story leads us to believe the main character is truly in love with the male protagonist. Yet if their relationship was so strong or if they were truly meant for each other, then why is the second contender needed? When you put another love interest in the mix then a lot of those qualities that originally made the first contender appealing becomes compromised. He either loses confidence or becomes over confident, there is less mystery and whilst he remains in love with the MC, the antagonizing secondary love interest is occupying some of his attention.

2. The story becomes consumed by the relationship dramas

Relationships are important but in literature they can become problematic when they consume the plot with their melodrama.

What was otherwise an interesting plot or mystery becomes more about the main protagonist choosing between her two love interests.

The Southern Vampire Mysteries falls into this category. Fallen by Lauren Kate starts in this category by default because it had no storyline to begin with.

Sometimes it's not unreasonable to question why the love triangle was included in the first place. Especially if it neither truly adds to the story or the original characters but seems to only have been included to bolster an otherwise lackluster novel.

Such could be said for The Iron King by Julie Kagawa or The Goddess Test by Aimee Carter.

Carrie Ryan is quoted as saying the following (Shamelessly stolen from Melinda Lo's blog):

To me, that’s the essence of a love triangle — each man is a viable choice for the heroine but each speaks to a different part of who she is. The heroine isn’t choosing between two men, she’s choosing who SHE wants to be and that will dictate who the right match is.

To a point I absolutely agree with this - if the majority of authors used it this way. Yet Carrie Ryan is one of the few who effectively wields this trope in any artistic fashion. Usually, the female protagonist is choosing between two different men and unfortunately the result is...

3. Love triangles often ruin the characterization of female protagonists.

At the tip of a love triad is a character who has a really difficult decision to make. Yet, before they get to that point, they have a fuckton of really bad decisions to make.

Because they have to engage in behaviour that is usually pretty morally reprehensible in order to successfully lead two other people along in a romantic entanglement. This usually rends an otherwise likable character into a weak and unsympathetic person to audiences.

For example - Rose from Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead, Georgina from Succubus Blues by Richelle Mead and Eugenie from the Dark Swan series by Richelle Mead. Pretty much everything by Richelle Mead.

Look at that picture of Vampire Diaries up there. Damon and Damon's brother, Broody McBroody-Faced there are both looking at Elena. Is she looking at either of them to suggest a preference? Or that she cares? Or that she is actually interested in either of them? No. She's looking at the camera and reveling in the manwichy goodness.

Because it's all about her. The apex of a love triangle has to engage in questionable behavior along the way and suddenly it becomes hard to root for a character when their biggest problems in life are choosing between rich, handsome, brooding and loving Bachelor #1 and rich, handsome, badass and loving Bachelor #2.

Then there are the illicit smoochies, the using of one Bachelor to aid another, playing them off against each other, controlling them etc.

I think everyone can agree that whilst there may be a Team Jacob and Team Edward - there is no Team Bella and probably for a very good reason.

But at the end of the day, authors seem intent on using this cliched trope. Probably mostly because, in pictures, their protagonist looks great sandwiched between two paranormal studs with perfect profiles.

And in this instance, I can't bring myself to disagree with them.

Divergent by Veronica Roth

2011-12-23T02:16:00.001-08:00

Divergent by Veronica Roth

In Beatrice Prior's dystopian Chicago, society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue—Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent). On an appointed day of every year, all sixteen-year-olds must select the faction to which they will devote the rest of their lives. For Beatrice, the decision is between staying with her family and being who she really is—she can't have both. So she makes a choice that surprises everyone, including herself.
During the highly competitive initiation that follows, Beatrice renames herself Tris and struggles to determine who her friends really are—and where, exactly, a romance with a sometimes fascinating, sometimes infuriating boy fits into the life she's chosen. But Tris also has a secret, one she's kept hidden from everyone because she's been warned it can mean death. And as she discovers a growing conflict that threatens to unravel her seemingly perfect society, she also learns that her secret might help her save those she loves… or it might destroy her.

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Today I almost attacked a man in public. A man who was yelling at and abusing his partner. Kicking the trolley, shoving her and screaming obscenities at her. I ditched the trolley I'd been pushing and stormed toward them, my mind blank of anything but ruthless fury.

The next part was like out of some stupid romance novel. Mr Kennedy pulled back on my arm and said, "No. There is no way you're going over there!" He took off the baby sling, handed it to me and sent me to go put the groceries and baby in the car while he handled it.

Usually that's the part of the novel where the female heroine swoons or something but I only got angrier. Did he just relegate me to child-minding and packing away groceries? Because I have a uterus? To say I was unimpressed would be an understatement.

Never before have I actually wanted to be a man. I love being a woman and I think being a woman is a fantastic thing to be. But I wanted to kick that man's ass. I absolutely hated myself for being weak and puny. It's not fair. To not be able to fight your own battles, to not be able to stand up for weaker people when you want to. It's so, incredibly, painfully unfair. Why can't I have big muscles? Why couldn't Mr Kennedy wait by the car while I got to go up and play harpsichord with his lower intestinal tract? Why must I swallow my pride and accept that I'm just not as strong or muscular as Mr Kennedy?

Perhaps it's that drive that made me connect so much with Tris. I wonder what kind of personality types would enjoy this novel? I've seen a lot of three star reviews and I just can't fathom why when this book was a solid five stars for me. Even with it's somewhat implausible storyline I loved it.

I loved all the characters, especially Tris, for being a hardass, cold motherfucker when other YA protagonists would whither and melt into a gooey puddle of patheticness.

Maybe I connected with it because I could absolutely imagine being Dauntless. Catching moving trains? Abseiling? Fighting? Sign me up now. I think I would have loved every minute of it.

The writing was quite smooth and the action sequences were clear, concise and well-explained. The pacing and the plot never really give up, making this book difficult to put down.

Over all, I thoroughly loved this novel. I'm hard-pressed to come up with any flaws or issues that annoyed me.

Most of all, it made me wish I really could kickass and take names like Tris does. Perhaps taking up kickboxing would be a good place to start.

View all my reviews

Across the Universe by Beth Revis

2011-12-21T18:19:00.001-08:00

Across the Universe by Beth Revis

Seventeen-year-old Amy joins her parents as frozen cargo aboard the vast spaceship Godspeed and expects to awaken on a new planet, three hundred years in the future. Never could she have known that her frozen slumber would come to an end fifty years too soon and that she would be thrust into the brave new world of a spaceship that lives by its own rules.

Amy quickly realizes that her awakening was no mere computer malfunction. Someone - one of the few thousand inhabitants of the spaceship - tried to kill her. And if Amy doesn't do something soon, her parents will be next.

Now, Amy must race to unlock Godspeed's hidden secrets. But out of her list of murder suspects, there's only one who matters: Elder, the future leader of the ship and the love she could never have seen coming.

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I've heard it mentioned before that DNF(Did Not Finish)reviews were useless and self-indulgent. Why would someone want to read a review by someone who didn't even finish the book?

My answer to that?

There's always going to be a small fraction of reviewers who don't connect with a book and can't finish it, but to dismiss all DNF reviews, I think, is problematic. Especially for an author.

Because it's not necessarily the reader's fault for not being able to connect to the book. Often there are rookie mistakes made in writing, plot or characterization that inhibits readers from investing in the story. Being able to hook a reader within the first couple of pages is an essential skill of any artisan storyteller and if you're having a lot of DNF reviews or simply bad reviews then they probably contain a goldmine in advice to help improve your range of skills.

I credit Revis with imagination and thoughtful plot. The language changes and mono-ethnic parts of this book showed the kind of forethought and deep, intensive investigation I generally like in an author.

My issues were that the writing is very vague and sloppy. One of the first events in the book, Elder attempting to save the ship, is vague in the writing which makes it difficult for readers to visualize the scene or get a handle on what's happening.

The characterization is equally nonplussed, taking quite a while to really root down. There is little incentive to connect with the characters or anything that makes them feel particularly vivid or well-constructed. It's basically one cardboard cutout after another, filled with overused archtypes.

By page seventy-five I knew who the antagonist is, which is bad storytelling. I even flipped to the end to double check and was able to easily verify that I was right because I had trouble believing that Revis had made it so obvious. Do not hang giant, obtrusive warning signs over your secret antagonist. Please.

Overall I couldn't bring myself to invest in the story and characters. This review may be useless or self-indulgent to some but I think reviewing even the first 125 pages of a book to give feedback is a higher compliment than if I'd ignored it entirely.

Also, and this is the important part, bite me.

View all my reviews

Before I fall by Lauren Oliver

2011-12-19T20:10:00.001-08:00

Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

What if you had only one day to live? What would you do? Who would you kiss? And how far would you go to save your own life?
Samantha Kingston has it all: the world's most crush-worthy boyfriend, three amazing best friends, and first pick of everything at Thomas Jefferson High—from the best table in the cafeteria to the choicest parking spot. Friday, February 12, should be just another day in her charmed life.
Instead, it turns out to be her last.
Then she gets a second chance. Seven chances, in fact. Reliving her last day during one miraculous week, she will untangle the mystery surrounding her death—and discover the true value of everything she is in danger of losing.

I have to confess something before I write this review. This book is about a teenager, Sam, who is a Mean Girl who trips into Groundhog Day world and is set on a path to redemption. My confession is that I used to be a girl almost exactly like Sam.

Shallow, egotistical and worst of all - mean. Really, really mean.

I've commented before on the fact that I was a terrible teenager. My parents did not so much try to raise me through these years. More like they're tried to survive me. In this book, Sam comes to the final realization that she is a bitch. I know I related to this book more perhaps than some other readers would because I had to come to my own realization about that. It is a strange and aggravatingly unsettling experience to wake up and realize the world neither revolves around you, nor should it, because you are a horrible person. Yet, that's nothing compared to living your teenage years on the receiving end of bullshit people like me dished out to other people.

I can imagine growing up with that kind of experience would make you quite unsympathetic to Sam. But Sam is on a path and a journey. Oliver doesn't withhold on characterization. Every petty, mean, shallow act and thought is shamelessly paraded here. I loved the cast and the complicated relationships they all had. I loved Sam and Kent's relationship as well as Sam and Lindsey's relationship. Most of the people in this book felt like people I'd known or met in real life.

The writing worked well for this novel. Never too flowery or explanatory but rather serving the purpose of translating complicated thoughts and feeling to the reader without being burdensome or boring.

Every time I felt Sam was a little too...

Oliver managed to turn it around and make her...

I think it took a lot of courage to write Sam's characterization as she did. A lot of YA fiction depicts the Perfect Female ala Bella Swan. Where character flaws amount to being clumsy and everyone they ever meet thinks they're amazing and mature and wise beyond their years. (Note: Zoe Redbird, no, you are not.)

My only complaint about the book is in the spoiler down below. Basically, I loved it, I connected to it. I felt like the themes were handled in a believable, realistic way.

I guess this book made me melancholy. I think about Juliet Sykes and remember that I once had my own Juliet Sykes. I wish I could go back in time and change that. I wish I could somehow make amends to her. Hell, I wish I could even remember her real name and not just all the disgusting nicknames we gave her. I wish I'd been the kind of teenager I could be proud of. Yet this book made me glad that I did change, that I have tomorrow to keep trying and learning and growing. It makes me happy to think that even I deserved a chance at redemption and to choose a different way to live my life.

Most of all, this book makes me really bloody happy that I'm an adult now and that I never, ever, have to go back. Ever.

Perhaps the only real critique I could give of the book is this:

Do you remember that scene from Shakespeare in Love when Ben Affleck's Ned Alleyn is talking to Shakespeare about the ending of Romeo and Juliet and he says, "But there's a scene missing between marriage and death."

And in case you skipped school for the Obvious lesson in your Obvious class, he's talking about: boning.

It's this but it's not this. If you know what I mean...

Now I'm not actually saying that I wanted Sam and Kent to bone but I felt there needed to be more to the final part of the book than just a few vague kisses and a goodbye. I mean, poor Kent, right? he wakes up one day and, out of the blue, the girl he's in love with decides to give him a break and actually kiss him. Then she tells him that he's the best thing that ever happened to her. Then she dies.

At least give the poor guy a happy ending... of sorts.

View all my reviews

Writing Workshop #1

2011-12-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

Writing is a skill that grows with time and practice. Which is also why I'm a good person to teach you. Not because I'm a writer with great writerly wisdom like you. But because I'm a reader and there are some tips that can only be gained by reading a few hundred novels with a critical eye.

For some things, it takes a Kennedy. A Kat Kennedy, that is.

There are certain things you can learn from DVD Director's commentary and not just that your favourite director is a giant dick with an ego the metaphorical size of the Earth's rotation around the sun.

I feel like a Whedon reference is appropriate here.

But even if they are a pain in the ass with all the tactile charisma of the creature of the Black Lagoon, there is no denying that if you like their movies, they probably know a thing or two about story-telling.

Story-telling is important because it's not always something you can teach but it is something you can learn. Most of the writing technique can be taught by anyone and you'll find a thousand useful guides to constructing sentences and and prose.

But story-telling isn't like that and sometimes finding good advice is hard which is why it's sometimes interesting to try a different medium for examples. That is exactly where movies and TV shows come into it.

Sometimes authors, because of the book-medium, think they have all day to get about making an idea or passing on a point to their reader. Whilst technically, they do, that doesn't always make good writing. TV shows and movies have a very limited format to get across some big ideas and a good director, on a good commentary track, can have some really insightful things to say.

On the director's commentary for season 2, episode 14 ("Innocence") for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Joss Whedon makes a comment on a scene between Willow (Alyson Hannigan) and Oz (Seth Green).

"A very important scene and I've talked about this before, but, people not loving Oz, people very angry that Willow was not with Xander because she was so clearly into him. We introduced the character of Oz who was based on an actual guy I knew, uh, in college. Somebody just so cool he that he would just see how cool Willow was, even if she was wearing a big Eskimo outfit. In fact, because she was wearing a big Eskimo outfit. People not responding and so I wrote this scene very specifically as the scene that would make them love Oz. because it's the scene that makes Willow loves Oz. Where he turns her down and refuses to kiss her. Again, kind of gauging the audience's reaction is a big part of the show and making things not just work, making you not just accept a plot twist or character, but making you need them. Making you feel about them the way your character's supposed to. It's the most important thing and, of course, Seth is so beautifully restrained and so completely charming and, look at Aly. Fall in love with him. Right now."

You see, Joss had a problem and it was that he needed the audience to sympathize with and invest in Oz quickly and effectively but he couldn't waste a lot of time building their relationship. He had to do it quickly and effectively in one scene. Here is a transcript of that scene:

Willow: Do you want to make out with me?
Oz: What?
Willow: With me. Make out. Do you want to?
Oz: That time you said it backwards.
Willow: Forget it. I'm sorry... (beat) Well do you?
Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause, that could never happen, and I'll think about kissing you and then everything stops. It's like, freeze frame. Willow kissage.

She is drawn in by this -- so a bit taken aback when instead of kissing her, he just looks out the window again. There is a moment of confused wilence before he remembers himself and speaks again.

Oz (cont'd): I'm not gonna kiss you.
Willow: What? But... freeze frame...
Oz: Well, to the casual observer, it looks like you want to make your friend Xander jealous. Or even the score, or something. That's on the empty side. You see, in my fantasy, when I'm kissing you... you're kissing me.

She can't reply -- she's touched, but she knows he's right about Xander, Oz smiles at her, serene.

Oz (cont'd): It's okay. I can wait.

I'm not saying every part of your novel needs to be snap frame, but sometimes you need to get an important emotional resonance across, or an important point. Instead of spending fifty pages and three different scenes trying to get it across, find a way to bring out the emotion in one, significant act. Sometimes it's just so much more powerful.

Beauty Dates the Beast by Jessica Sims

2011-12-15T02:24:00.000-08:00

WANTED
Single human female to join charming, wealthy, single male were-cougar for a night of romantic fun—and maybe more.
Me: The tall, sensuous, open-minded leader of my clan.
You: A deliciously curvy virgin who’s intimately familiar with what goes bump in the night. Must not be afraid of a little tail. Prefer a woman who’s open to exploring her animal nature. Interest in nighttime walks through the woods a plus.
My turn-ons include protecting you from the worst the supernatural world has to offer. Ready for an adventure? Give me a call.
Vampires and doppelgangers need not apply.

Author blurb for Jill Myles from the author profile for Jessica Clare:
After devouring hundreds of paperback romances, mythology books, and archaeological tomes, she decided to write a few books of her own - stories with a wild adventure, sharp banter, and lots of super-sexy situations. She prefers her heroes alpha and half-dressed, her heroines witty, and she loves nothing more than watching them overcome adversity to fall into bed together.

If you are wondering why I'm quoting Myles' author blurb and why it exists on Jessica Clare's author profile and why it's applicable to a Jessica Sims' book then congratulations - it worked. It worked because for some reason I purchased this book and you might have too. I read the author bio for Jessica Sims which says some shit about owning cats and playing games. What it doesn't say is that Jessica Sims in a nom de plume for Jill Myles and so is Jessica Clare.

I feel absolutely cheated. I'd already read Gentlemen Prefer Succubi, and knew Myles' writing to be infantile, her characters dumber than rocks and her so-called plot - pathetic. I never would have bought this book if I'd known that she wrote it. I can only assume that is why she has three pen names in the same genre and why two of those pen names are even in the same subgenre!

It's enough to say that nothing about her writing has improved. At all. If anything, the characterization has degraded. Myles' blurb might lead you to believe that all those mythology books and archaeological tomes would imply that her writing is full of intelligence and research. It might make you think that her dialogue is smart, witty and sharp. You might think that her romance heroes are sexy and her heroines are strong but funny. It's all a lie. One big fucking lie.

Once again her plot was pathetically simple and juvenile making me suspect on how many mythology books and archaeological tomes she's actually read. There is nothing funny or cute about her writing. It is cheap and sloppy as hell.

And her characters.

Fuck my life.

There is nothing witty about them. Nothing. Her MC, Bathsheba is a capitulating moron who has no sense - common or otherwise. Beau is an obsessive, controlling psychopath. From the moment he meets her he controls everything about her. There first date is nothing but creepy, gross sexual innuendo. Just a few hours after meeting her he has drugged her and kidnapped her to his hotel (for her own safety, of course). Within days he's kidnapped her again and dragged her to a remote location where he puts her completely within his control. This doesn't stop. The entire book continues like this.

I'm sure Myles will dismiss this as a caring man, concerned about his woman and taking care of her. My response would be to tell her to go volunteer at a woman's shelter at some point because that's exactly where Bathsheba would wind up one day.

When is the picture of what's sexy and appropriate going to change? This is not sexy. Abusive isn't sexy and Beau shows ALL the signs of an abuser. Spend three months helping a woman escape her abusive, controlling husband and come back and tell me this shit is still okay. Hear her cry on the phone night after night while he's in the shower because she's terrified for her life but physically can't leave. She can't leave because he controls her money, so she has to secretly work over time and squirrel the money away. She can't just take her passport and banking stuff. No. She has to pretend to be clearing out the study and she has to secret her documents away. Spend THREE MONTHS storing things for a terrified woman who is agonizingly working, inch by inch for moving day. I can not express the amount of thought and planning that goes into those moving days. Some of them will haunt me forever.

When we all have to show up but can't park in front of the house in case he drives by so we end up carrying boxes two blocks away to where our cars are. Where we have to board her cat and secretly arrange a garage for her car to stay in and keep plane tickets hidden in her name. Live those three months with the knowledge that ONE WRONG SLIP and he'll track her down and beat the shit out of her, kill her or worse - force her back to him. Something forgotten at home meaning an early return, a call to work where a careless coworker reveals she didn't come in, him accidentally stumbling on a clue to her plans beforehand.

Do all this and then come back to me and tell me it's alright to write this piece of crap. I don't think there's anything that's going to convince me that Beau's characterization was harmless and just a sexy break from reality. It's a fucking tragic reality for far too many women. And it isn't romantic.

Incarnate by Jodi Meadows

2011-12-11T19:54:00.001-08:00

NEWSOUL
Ana is new. For thousands of years in Range, a million souls have been reincarnated over and over, keeping their memories and experiences from previous lifetimes. When Ana was born, another soul vanished, and no one knows why.

NOSOUL
Even Ana’s own mother thinks she’s a nosoul, an omen of worse things to come, and has kept her away from society. To escape her seclusion and learn whether she’ll be reincarnated, Ana travels to the city of Heart, but its citizens are suspicious and afraid of what her presence means. When dragons and sylph attack the city, is Ana to blame?

HEART
Sam believes Ana’s new soul is good and worthwhile. When he stands up for her, their relationship blooms. But can he love someone who may live only once, and will Ana’s enemies—human and creature alike—let them be together? Ana needs to uncover the mistake that gave her someone else’s life, but will her quest threaten the peace of Heart and destroy the promise of reincarnation for all?

Jodi Meadows expertly weaves soul-deep romance, fantasy, and danger into an extraordinary tale of new life.

Incarnate had such an interesting premise that I rushed to request the ARC. The concept of a society of people constantly reincarnating and being reborn to each other was too good to pass up. Blue Bloods had a poor crack at it and I hoped Incarnate would fare better. Alas, no. What Incarnate had the opportunity of doing was taking philosophy by the horns and riding that bull like a cowboy at a rodeo. Instead, incarnate chose Philosophy!Bull's friend, Philosophy Show Pony and skipped along very slowly and sweetly to Romance Ranch. There it stayed, refusing to budge from it's very comfortable stall until the last thirty pages where it promptly collapsed in a fit of seizures and died. I can only hope Meadow's next book in the series won't be beating a dead horse.

One could reasonably argue that this is just YA literature and perhaps I was expecting too much. However, I think that's not crediting teenagers with enough. A book such as Incarnate has the opportunity to reflect on our society in so many ways, to do so much! How does possession change when no one really dies? How does parenting change when babies are really just miniature adults waiting to get back to their own lives? How does society change? Is there really murder and would it even be a big deal? What about debt? What happens if you can't die to escape that? What does it do to a psyche to die and be reborn constantly? Over time you will have probably given birth to, married, or been parented by almost everyone you know. How does that change the way you see people?

These questions are only very briefly looked at and none are truly answered in any satisfactory way. Instead, the world of Incarnate is eerily like our own with only a few minor changes to the facade.

This is not meant to imply that Meadows is a bad author. What she does do, she does well. The focus in the novel is heavily situated on the romance. It's a very sweet, endearing romance and the characters are lovely. Yet, if I'd wanted a cutsie romance then I have chicken soup for the soul for that.

No, Meadow can write well with lovely descriptions and sweet romantic talk and tense, dramatic, emotional scenes. If I were to sum up her writing style and JUST the romantic aspects of this book, I would say 'lovely'.

But this book looked to be more than just a YA romance and in that it failed. The mystery was flirted with occasionally but otherwise forgotten until the very end, there was almost no action or suspense to speak of outside the very beginning and very end. Some characters were contradictory and nonsensical, some plot elements just didn't fit, etc.

Mostly, where the book failed is that I have no interest in reading any more of this series. I've read my fill of chaste kisses, reluctant love, obstacles to affection, with a cursory nod at plot that only advances at a snails pace amid so much potential. That's all this book was and I currently don't see any potential for the series to be anything more than that. Thus I have no intention at the moment of reading this book's incarnate.

Incarnate by Jodi Meadows by KatKennedy

Kat's Christmas (Book) Wishlist

2011-12-10T21:12:00.001-08:00

There's a ritual in our family. Everyone does up a list and tells everyone else what to buy for them. So I basically know the majority of what I'm going to get for Christmas. My rule is that Christmas time is my time to support the publishing industry. So my entire Christmas list consists of books. Lots and lots of books.

These are those books:

The Blog Has Lost the Plot

2011-12-09T13:09:00.001-08:00

So basically, as you can see, my blog has lost the fucking plot.

It's not working to the point of aggravation but I'm waiting for the template maker to get back to me soon.

Hopefully it won't continue to be such a disaster.

Thanks for your patience.

Under The Never Sky by Veronica Rossi

2011-12-08T22:05:00.001-08:00

Aria is a teenager in the enclosed city of Reverie. Like all Dwellers, she spends her time with friends in virtual environments, called Realms, accessed through an eyepiece called a Smarteye. Aria enjoys the Realms and the easy life in Reverie. When she is forced out of the pod for a crime she did not commit, she believes her death is imminent. The outside world is known as The Death Shop, with danger in every direction.

As an Outsider, Perry has always known hunger, vicious predators, and violent energy storms from the swirling electrified atmosphere called the Aether. A bit of an outcast even among his hunting tribe, Perry withstands these daily tests with his exceptional abilities, as he is gifted with powerful senses that enable him to scent danger, food and even human emotions.

They come together reluctantly, for Aria must depend on Perry, whom she considers abarbarian, to help her get back to Reverie, while Perry needs Aria to help unravel the mystery of his beloved nephew’s abduction by the Dwellers. Together they embark on a journey challenged as much by their prejudices as by encounters with cannibals and wolves. But to their surprise, Aria and Perry forge an unlikely love - one that will forever change the fate of all who live UNDER THE NEVER SKY

The first book in a captivating trilogy, Veronica Rossi’s enthralling debut sweeps you into an unforgettable adventure.

Sometimes your book reading experience comes down to one single factor: Doyou like the MC?

That character can make or break a book.

Name the biggest praise and the biggest complaint about J.D. Salinger's Catcherin the Rye. If you said they're both Holden Caulfield then you get thegold star.

This book was teetering on a precipice for me. It could either landback on solid ground or go toppling off into the deep end. eventually,the main characters, Aria and Perry, are what stacked it back to being a greatread.

There's a lot to like about Rossi's futuristic dystopian novel. Theworld building is fascinating and vivid, yet simplistic enough for mostaudiences to grasp reasonably well. The writing is fair enough and I feltthat it was reasonably tight and serviceable. It wasn't a perfect novel but Ifeel that it achieved what it was meant to and that was inspiring me to investin Aria and Perry's story.

Mostly I'm just impressed with Rossi because she clearly is a badass.

I can just imagine how her meeting with the editor went:

"Ms. Rossi, thank you for coming. We love your first copy butwe're concerned about this Aether thing. What is it? Where did itcome from? How does it work?"

Rossi sits back in her chair and kicks her feet up onto the editor'stable. She pulls out a raw falcon egg and starts eating it.

"So?" she asks between bites.

"Well, you never clarify how it works? Why it's there? Howdid it come to be there?"

Rossi shrugs casually. "Meh. I don't give a shit. It's there. YA takes it for granted that a 108 year old vampire wouldfall in love with a teenager. They'll figure out this Aether shit. They have google."

"But-" the editor tries to continue.

Rossi pins the editor with a withering gaze. "I could devote tenboring pages to giving some lameass sciency explanation of the Aether or Icould add in 20% more awesome. Also, I know how to falcon punch. Ilearned it from the mother of this egg I stole before I gave a right hook anduppercut to a shark."

The editor decides that surrender is the better part of valor and everyonelearns an important lesson that day. Especially the wild life.

The End.

So basically, I like this book, and even if Rossi does eat raw falcon eggs,I like her characters and I like her style.

And hopefully you will too. If you know what's good for you.

Under The Never Sky by Veronica Rossi by KatKennedy

Use That Trope!

2011-12-04T18:21:00.001-08:00

There are certain tropes and cliches that are often seen in books, movies and plays. Tropes exist in pretty much everything ever written and usually they aren't too bad unless they're a negatively geared one like the Men are strong, Women are pretty trope. Cliches are usually annoying because they're something that's been done to death and often used for no other reason than the fiendish lack of imagination the evil writers need in order to use them.

Well, I'm here today to tell you to use them. If you can.

Did the above just sound like a challenge? Why, yes it is.

Cliches are stupid and boring if you can't use them the right way. Your character is an orphan because their parents died in a tragic accident, you say? Wow. Haven't seen that one before.

There's absolutely no reason why I'm putting these pictures up here. They clearly have nothing in common.

Making your MC an orphan is usually a cheap, easy and semi effective trick for immediately gaining sympathy for your MC from the audience and making a simple pretense at giving a back story plus, ANGST! What author doesn't love angst?

But you know when you should throw the whole cliche rulebook out the window? When it really makes sense to.

A lot of reviews rightly call out YA authors for neglecting the family in the young MC's life. I've seen it referred to as Disappearing Parent Syndrome because apparently anyone without rippling pectorals is of no interest to female audiences.

Readers are right to call writers out on this. For a normal, average young adult living at home, there's really no reason why the parents should disappear off the face of the earth. It gives the character an amazing lack of balance and it shows poor authorship.

But then there are times when it's totally, totally appropriate. Because if your story is about a young adult going off the rails into a drug dependency then absent parents or abusive parents are simply what makes sense. Everneath is a big one that people complain about since the father in that novel displays an alarming lack of interest in Beckett. I understand the complaints. That he doesn't ask enough questions, that he's never around, that he has no real participation in Beck's life.

Wow. Sounds like every parent of every drug addict I've ever known. Which is exactly what the active metaphor behind Everneath is. Her trip down into the Everneath is a representation of someone who is completely addicted to drugs. Everneath painstakingly catalogues Beck's slippery slope from grieving young school girl into addict and it involves every single person in her life somehow betraying or neglecting her. A politician father who dismisses her and focuses on his campaign? I've seen it. So many times. Except I've seen it in diplomats and high ranking business men and government employees and school principals and Church leaders. What's that saying about Pastor's children? Other than: "run!"? No, I can't remember either.

The same is true for Harry Potter. Yes, he is an orphan and his abuse does garner a great amount of sympathy but he is also a character designed not to put a lot of trust in adults and to try and solve problems by himself without going to them for help. This is a powerful aspect of his character and his story telling which is dealt with so much more masterfully than: "My parents died. I has a sad."

A cliche, used by a powerful, thoughtful, purposeful author can be an amazing story. If you want further proof of that then look no further than Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor. A Romeo and Juliet, star crossed lovers retelling? Get out of town. And yet, it's done so well, so masterfully that it's easy to forget that Taylor is dragging out the same old tired, cliches. In her hands, they're not tired and they're not cliched. They're just good storytelling.

At the end of the day, it's not important what you write but how you write it. That makes the difference between a cliched piece of trash, and a story worth reading.

Froi of the Exiles by Melina Marchetta

2011-12-03T19:20:00.001-08:00

Blood sings to blood, Froi . . .
Those born last will make the first . . .
For Charyn will be barren no more.

Three years after the curse on Lumatere was lifted, Froi has found his home... Or so he believes...

Fiercely loyal to the Queen and Finnikin, Froi has been trained roughly and lovingly by the Guard sworn to protect the royal family, and has learned to control his quick temper. But when he is sent on a secretive mission to the kingdom of Charyn, nothing could have prepared him for what he finds. Here he encounters a damaged people who are not who they seem, and must unravel both the dark bonds of kinship and the mysteries of a half-mad Princess.

And in this barren and mysterious place, he will discover that there is a song sleeping in his blood, and though Froi would rather not, the time has come to listen.

Gripping and intense, complex and richly imagined, Froi of the Exiles is a dazzling sequel to Finnikin of the Rock, from the internationally best-selling and multi-award-winning author of Looking for Alibrandi, Saving Francesca, On the Jellicoe Road and The Piper's Son.

Sometimes I feel like Marchetta books should come with a public health warning.

"Marchetta Fever," it would say.

"Symptoms include: pain, aching or burning in the chest region indicating a broken heart.

Uncontrollable weeping, both happy and sad, may occur frequently. More serious cases run the risk of having their mind blown.

This condition has no known cure."

That's me. That's me with every single one of these books.

I went into my local bookstore to order me some Marchetta this year. Let me explain the community I live in. The largest shopping center has, I kid you not, FIVE lingerie stores. Stores entirely devoted to selling ladies underwear and such accessories. It has one tiny bookstore. A bookstore that is going out of business. A bookstore that had no fewer than ten copies of A Shore Thing and Confessions of a Guidette. Did they have any Marchetta or Laini Taylor? No. One paperback copy of Froi of the Exiles was tucked away somewhere. This is a travesty. This should be considered a Federal Crime. The Unicorn Squad needs to get on that shit and put someone away in the Candy Cane House of Pain for violating awesomeness.

Marchetta's books are more than just readable, well-written, well-characterized novels of great spirit and imagination. There is a beauty to them, a magic to them which wafts through every sentence of every page. It's not just finely crafted writing, though it is that too. It's a living, beating heart and beautiful but broken soul.

Does it matter that this book was 600 pages long? Not to me. Not when every page was breath-takingly spectacular. The themes are almost always the same. Loss, pain, healing, family, loyalty. I love the complication and depth of her characterization.

Whatever it is that Marchetta does, it speaks to me. It touches me in parts of my heart that I had locked away and worked hard to forget. Sometimes it hurts but she always, always remembers to patch me up again when she's finished.

So, if you're feeling a little lacklustre about your reading selection, why don't you try getting yourself a case of Marchetta fever? It just might be what cures you.

Where’s the Sisterhood?

2011-11-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

There is a trend in the Paranormal Romance Genre that had become extremely popular, unfortunately. It’s hard to pinpoint when exactly it started in Paranormal Romance but we can see where it clearly became incredibly popular.

So we meet again...

The trend is in the serialized romance novel that the series focuses on a group of men. TV Tropes calls them a Badass Crew. For PNRs I call them a Badass Boy Band, sometimes with a token Action Girl. They are immortal badasses who fight evil. Each novel will involve one of these men finding a special lady friend to love for all eternity whilst progressing the overall series plot enough for the next Boy Band Badass to find his own groupie in the next book and so on and so forth.

Each book in the series generally contains most, if not all of the boy band immortals fighting evil together. What happens to the women we meet in each book? For the most part, they disappear, only to be occasionally spoken about, arrive for weddings or show up occasionally to use their special talents.

What happens when Action Girl meets her own stud in her book? Generally he somehow joins her in immortality and fights alongside the group, becoming another Boy Band Badass. Look, I know these novels are just for fun, but it is also an aggravating and incredibly unfeminist foundation to have. It reinforces the concept that Men are strong, Women are pretty. Sure you have Token Action Girl there but that just reinforces that she’s different or a freak.

In fact, sometimes Token Action Girl is only Action Girl because circumstance made her that way but if she had her choice, she’d be at home raising babies.

Another take home message of these series is that men can have a story and a life outside of romance, but for women that is the greatest apex there is and once reached, they no longer matter in the grand scheme of things. It also displays the reader’s lack of interest in female characters outside the protagonist which is disturbing. It reinforces the unconscious belief that Men Act, Women Are.

But then, still in the media is a long standing lack of female characters since most writers have been male for such a long time. Who can even guess what effect that has on our gender psyche anymore?

Allow me to give you a situation and you tell me if you think it would make a best selling romance novel.

Action Girl is having it out with her Badass Crew of other Action Girls. In the face of Unspeakable Evil, she must battle and rage. She finds that Unspeakable Evil has a man. This man is terrified. Crying, whimpering and weak. She rescues him but not without difficulty. He slows her down, trips her up and even though she has an unspeakably sexual appeal to him, because he is after all very pretty, she finds it frustrating that he is stupid, stubborn and sometimes lacks serious logical skills. But that's okay, it's just how men are. Stupid, weak and pathetic. She must care for his every need. Especially when he passes out, which he does often. This sometimes includes bathing his unconscious body and putting him to bed tenderly.

He often rebuffs her advances out of some misbegotten prudity but eventually gives into his own lusts. Action Girl has the opportunity to teach him about his sexuality and they go up together against Unspeakable Evil. He gets kidnapped again and through great pain and strife, Action Girl must save him. It’s true love. They run off into the sunset together.

Something tells me test audiences would struggle with this gender reversal and writing it this way makes it seem that much more unbelievable. Action Girls don’t want pansy, useless, whimpering men. They want men that can compare to their badassery! Yet Badass Men will be totally happy and in love with the Damsel in Distress.

It’s the idea that women would naturally want a partner at least equal to them but that men would be happy with a woman as long as she has a functioning, albeit shy, vagina. It does men just as much a disservice as it does women. That men must know everything, be able to do everything etc because their partner will inevitably useless is just as sad a story to pass onto the male gender.


We could probably give this a trope name by itself. Call it the Riley Whines Trope.

Isn’t it time we became just as invested in the life and trials of female protagonists as we do our male protagonists? This is a genre written by women, for women. Why is it just as sexist as every other form of media out there?

Here's a test. Go through your PNR shelves and name the male characters in each book. Then try and name the female characters alongside them. I certainly hope you do better than I do because my results were something along the lines of: Troy and massive tits, Harold and long, silky legs, Scott and the bootylicious ass, etc.

Why aren’t these female characters more memorable like Mac and Barrons? Why don’t they stand out as real characters that are just as tangible?

Why don’t PNR Authors call a spade a spade and write the adventures of Sparky and his group of Boy Band Badasses who have to save Sparky’s fleshlight from the bad guy? It would kind of be more realistic. Sadly, I can only name two PNR series that revolve around a sisterhood type set up and only one of them is in any way popular.

Isn't it time that we feature more in our own novels? Isn't it time for a Black Dagger Sisterhood to showcase real female characters, varied feminine personal struggles and female centered romances? Isn't it time that novels reflect the real world in which women are 51% of the population, instead of the fringe? Isn't it time our stories are just as valid and readable as a man's struggles?

Come on, Authors! Where is the sisterhood?

Want to meet Finnikin?

2011-11-27T11:23:00.000-08:00

So our new kitten came home today and, as tragic as this makes us, his name is Finnikin.

This was him a couple of weeks ago at his foster mom's house. And yes, he's sleeping on my lap. Because he loves me.

Mr. Kennedy and I both think Finnikin is a great character, even if I argued that the name Currans was more applicable for a kitten! Apparently that was "semantics" and "Finnikin is a cool name" and "make me a sandwhich."

So corny? Yup. Silly? Yup. But this is our new cat. And his name is Finnikin.

Book Review for Ashfall by Mike Mullin

2011-11-23T18:31:00.001-08:00

*This ARC was provided to me by the publishers. No money or gifts were exchanged for this review.

I seem to be one of the very few that found this book alittle on the average side. It reallyprobably wasn’t the book’s fault. In fact,if you’re looking for some good reviews of this book, try out Phoebe North's review.

There are several different reasons why people enjoyapocalypse stories. Some people enjoywatching the break down of society and making commentary on that. Some people enjoy the struggle forsurvival. Me? I like to read them to compare them to what*I* would do. The more applicable thesituation to me is, the better. Likezombies, right? Everyone can associatewith a good zombie apocalypse. You’re getting your elbow chewed on, I’m gettingmy elbow chewed on, we’re all being eaten! Look! Something to share!

The problem with more specific disaster scenarios is therisk that part of your audience may not be able to relate to thesituation. That was me. Don’t get me wrong. Just because I live in Australia, doesn’tmean I think that we’re going to cruise through a planet-killer likeYellowstone Volcano like we did through the Global Financial Crisis. Of course everything but the most meagre dregsof humanity are going to be killed when that thing goes off. But we’re going to have a different kind ofstruggle to the one the main character has.

He was a reasonable character who started off a little weakand boring for me. It was approximatelypage 250 when I had very nearly given up on this book, that he really picked upand I began to enjoy his personal story. Darla’s character is enjoyable from the get-go and I think it is herinclusion in this book that truly pushes it up onto a well-deservedpedestal.

The writing is, for the most part, very serviceable. It is smooth when it needs to be, gritty whenit needs to be and achingly painful for other parts. I certainly have no qualmsabout that!

I suppose, for this book, it was the little things that gotto me. Themes that didn’t translate as wellacross the Pacific Ocean. This bookdeals with themes of government oppression and corporate greed that vaguelyfelt silly to me. Though, to be fair, Iget why this is an unsettling premise to Americans. My government has never tried to transmit thoughts into our brain! Ourmilitary still runs on Windows 03!

Then surprisingly, was the transparent fear-mongeringagainst socialism and how horrible it is to be stripped down and become part ofthe masses under an oppressive regime. Socialism, government fear, issues with authority and autonomy aren’t asbig a deal here and I think gave a triteness to this novel, for me, that a differentaudience would find powerful and unsettling.

Over all it was a fun read, and for a different audience, Ithink it would serve its purpose very strongly.

Changing the Archtype

2011-11-21T18:48:00.001-08:00

Now, to be fair and putting this out there, there is nothing wrong with Archtypes. Sometimes they're useful to a story. They're familiar and comforting which helps audiences to ease into the novel knowing what certain characters are like without having to pay too much attention.

The problem comes when the bulk of fiction doesn't break from these predetermined characters. Cordelia Fine talks about how gender expectations unconsciously affect everyone and how in her phenomenal work, Gender Delusions.

Because, facts are in about women's representation in the media and it's not a very positive story. This article by Paul T Harper gives an excellent low down on how women not only feature less in television media, but that the depiction is also backwards and negative.

Stories have a power about them. Research shows that people remember Emotional Memories which are given a greater resonance by the brain. If I tell you a beautiful, cautionary tale about looking both ways before crossing the street, it's probably going to be more powerful to your memory than just telling you the straight out statistics.

Even worse is studies showing that reading material affects the way little girls and boys see themselves (which you can read about in Cordelia Fine's fantastic book, Delusions of Gender linked above) which is troubling considering studies find gender bias in children's literature!

So what this means is that every book with a shy, quiet, ordinary girl who likes to read reinforces that that's what you're supposed to be. Every mean, blonde girl character who is popular and pretty reinforces people's expectations that either popular girls are mean or that if you are popular, you should be mean to other people. Every time a woman goes hysterical under stress while a man sorts out the problem, creates another illusion that that's what is expected of us.

Yet even worse. Every wizened male scholar but no wizened female scholars reinforces another message. Every honourable knight and trampy seductress just gives us another imbalance. Every white hero and Asian, African, Islander, etc sidekick reinforces another, stupid archtype in our minds.

I understand why writers do it because I've done it too, lots of times. Your character is running through the landscape, defeating evil etc and suddenly you realize you need a wise old hermit to give advice. So your character goes to him and everything is cool.

"I've totally got this. Tell me your problems!"

But stop and ask yourself, why? Why did your character have to go to him? Why couldn't your character have gone to her? Next time you need a good King Richard stand in to help the hero, why not a Queen? And don't even make an issue that it's a woman. Don't be like, "He went to the Queen for help. The King had died many years before and left her in charge, but don't worry, audience! She's good! We swear!"

Don't make a deal out of it. She just is! And you know what? She doesn't have to be white, either! But we don't need to make an issue of that! We don't need a fifteen minute spiel about how the Africa, lesbian Queen is really a good ruler and that the main character doesn't have a problem with it. Also, that character doesn't necessarily need to talk funny OR use poor grammar. I know, shocking right? Don't write the stereotype just so that you can say you are inclusive. That isn't what this is about. It's about changing the way we see the world. Because you know what? The bulk of worldly wisdom is not held by celibate white men in loincloths. Even more shocking, I know!

So, if you're a writer, the next time you're doing a scene and you need a character, just stop and think about changing whose playing the role, not the role itself. You want a heroic character to battle evil, win the day, use their brains and logic to defeat the bad guys and charm their significant other with wit and personality?

Congratulations, the range for what that character would look like is now endless.

Book Review Fracture

2011-11-21T18:20:00.001-08:00

Did you ever watch Christian Slater in Heathers?

Other girls my age were watching My Little Pony while I was obsessively borrowing Heathers from the vidoe store (remember those?) I was like six years old and I thought Christian Slater was the shiz. Now it occurs to me, what the fuck were my parents thinking? I feel like this personal tidbit alone explains a lot about me. Where's my therapist's number? I think it's time for another session.

Well, we'll get into why I mentioned Christian Slater, but for now, it's simply because I'm being nostalgic.

Delaney Maxwell falls in ice water and dies. Yet she lives. Marvel at the paradox! But coming back to life has given her some super creepy powers and she has to deal with that whilst resolving long-standing issues with her bestfriend, Decker. All of this is complicated by Troy, who I imagine as looking a lot like Christian Slater did in Heathers.

And it's not because Troy is sexy, charismatic, mysterious and a little bit of a dramatic, emo psychopath.

Okay, maybe a little.

For a debut novel by Miranda, this was pretty good. The writing was decent, most of the characters were complex and well written.

The themes seem to surround how one deals with an impossible situation. Delaney spends a vast majority of the novel trying to cope with her survival and the lingering repercussions as well as her relationship with her mother and Decker.

The novel was mostly gripping, if not confused about what in wanted to achieve. Troy was sufficiently unsettling and yet sympathetic.

Once again, absolutely no reason why I'm bringing him up. But read the novel for yourself and see if you don't get Heather's flashbacks!

Delaney was a bit of fresh air in that she had goals and purpose in her life that exceeds the usual YA standards of wanting to procreate with the love interest. She also had a complex and rich relationship with her parents. Who were, you know, actual parents and did actual parent-like things. Another big breath of fresh air. That's a pretty sad commentary on the state of YA.

I think the novel fails by trying to do too much of many things and not enough of other things.

At first I thought it was too few abs (Christian Slater), but then I realized that maybe it was too much whining (Winona Ryder)

Overall, it was pretty good but not without its flaws. There's potential here, and not just for more pictures of 80's Christian Slater, further proving my truly tragic taste in men as a child, but for real depth of story telling and emotion. I'm just not sure how fully it was achieved here.

Maybe the problem is that it took itself so seriously. Heathers was great because it was full of camp, but I am digressing... or regressing. Maybe both. But the novel had no humour about itself and when your love interest is a hot teenage badboy psychopath - it pays to have some self awareness.

Or Christian Slater.

Or not... gosh he's old!

*Also, now other women my age watch a whole bunch of cool movies - my favourite show atm? My Little Pony! That's right, bitches! I'm a brony!

Review for Immortal Rider

2011-11-20T21:05:00.001-08:00

I still remember the first time I rode a horse which is synonymous as saying I still remember the time I almost died. That hellbeast ran riot across a large desert area surrounding a partially active volcano and laughed at my feeble attempts to summon help or stop his rampage.

What this earned for me was a year or two of riding lessons because where I grew up, riding lessons were the thing to do for proper young ladies. As there is nothing proper about me, you can be sure that I never progressed much past being able to keep my seat and to pick a good horse that would stop when I politely asked it to. A surprising amount of horse riding comes down to just picking the right horse. Some horses are always bad because they hate you and secretly long to tear into your entrails despite masquerading as a herbivore. Other horses are flighty and will have their good or bad moments. So for the most part, you pick a good horse and stick with it.

Authors tend to be like a horse. You find a good one and stick with it and they usually won’t fail you. This analogy is especially true for the Paranormal Romance genre where books tend to be serialized. I’ve tried to ride a series that was flighty with books wavering between good and bad like a toddler on too much sugar. It’s a frustrating experience.

If I had to pick my favourite horse though, Larrisa Ione would be it. I don’t know how she would feel to being referred to as a horse, but there it is. I’ve generally found her work to be consistently readable.

Immortal Rider is the story of a Horseman of the Apocalypse and a human man falling in love and dealing with her lying and evil brothers and the fact that she had him dragged into hell for kissing her. Completely normal stuff that I’m sure we can all relate to.

I have some issues with female representation in her novels and particularly this one. However, over all, I do enjoy her storytelling and her characters.

Her novels also tend to have the appropriate amount of cheesy goodness in them without overdoing it or crossing into the realm of dumbassery. Something that’s surprisingly easy to do in this genre.
I think, if I’d read the first novel, I would have enjoyed this more as opposed to playing catch up and trying to familiarize myself with a world that seems to take it for granted that you already know most of the characters.

Ione’s novels are, at least in my opinion, better than the usual fare and they have a great deal of imagination and interesting world building in them. So if you’ve lost your seat in this genre and are looking for a good horse, maybe give Ione a chance.

Seraphina by Rachel Hartman

2011-11-17T04:11:00.001-08:00

What does it take to inspire someone to read a book?

Is it enough to give a heartfelt plea to the book's worthiness?

Maybe a meme? Or jazzhands? Will jazzhands convince you?

I know, a meme about jazzhands! Admit it! This is pretty damn irresistible!

Okay, well, if you're one of those strange people who would choose a convincing, well-informed review over a meme of a tiny turtle doing jazzhands then...

Are you sure I can't convince you with jazzhands? Maybe throw in a shuffle for you?

Seraphina is half dragon, and not because her father struggles with the basic nuances of the English language.

Well, maybe a little bit...

In this epic fantasy by debut author, Rachel Hartman, Seraphina is an abomination who must hide her true self from everyone lest she and her father are killed for heresy. Dragons have the ability to fold themselves into human bodies and have maintained a strenuous peace with the human kingdoms. Seraphina's life is put into jeopardy when court intrigue and mystery implicates that the treaty between dragons and humans is in danger.

Hartman's novel is almost flawlessly executed. The novel, whilst long, is easily readable. Hartman doesn't rush her narrative, but neither does it seem to drag or falter.

Aside from a few brief flashback sessions, the story is carried entirely by Seraphina who may be half human and half dragon, but she is all brilliant. She is the equivalent of some kind of bear/dragon hybrid. Like, a bear/dragon hybrid that can breath fire. Yeah, that level of coolness.

Well, what do you know? They have a meme for that!

Often in novels, the female MC will profess to be extremely smart but, much to my chagrin, behave agonizingly stupidly and prove to have the mental faculties of a gnat. Seraphina is the total opposite of TSTL. She is brilliant, charming, ballsy and brave. All the while, she is also tactile, honest and fully-developed. Actually, I can not think of a single character in this book that I could argue as being two-dimensional or aggravating.

In fact, I absolutely loved the portrayal of strong female characters in this book. It was done with such grace and humanity that I found myself respecting most of the women in this book. Glisselda and the Queen were fantastic characters whom I absolutely adored.

Kiggs, as the love interest, was believable, endearing and wonderful. His character, so eccentric, so insightful and honourable, completely won me over. His relationship with Seraphina was genuine, subtle and romantic. The best thing? He wasn't any over-developed Romanticized Alpha Male! Thank goodness! He rocked it without needing to bully, oppress or corner Seraphina in any way!

The pacing is excellent for a lengthy novel. I gobbled it up and only at the very end did I feel any desire to speed things up. It is also beautifully well-written. The imagery alone was breath-takingly beautiful. The prose were polished and elegant. It was a pleasure to read. This novel was so full of emotion, beauty and poetry that I was honestly startled because I expected none of it.

I must confess that I am an acquaintance of Hartman here on GoodReads. I had grown a healthy respect for her opinions and expression, so I entered into reading Seraphina with a certain amount of skepticism and trepidation. I wonder if Hartman felt a similar trepidation when she saw that I had applied for her ARC and decided to read it! Because, let's face it, I'm not exactly known to be the most generous of reviewers. That's probably actually an understatement.

If you think that my opinion of this book has been swayed by my association with the author, then feel free to make your own mind up about it. I'm sure more reviews will be popping up soon.

But, to be honest, I didn't know what to expect when starting this novel. I've read work by friends before and had to put them aside, with embarrassment. This time is different. When Seraphina is released, I will buy this novel and treasure it. I will probably read it again and again when I need a laugh, or a romantic story or something to relax to. In fact, I loved this novel so much that I want to recommend it to everyone. I want to go get everyone I know and make them read it. This is the kind of novel that deserves to be published, that deserves to be successful. We need more of this out there. Not another trashy teen YA. This is the good shit. Right here.

So, my question is, what will it take to inspire you to read this book?

This ARC was provided to me by Random House publishers. No money or favours were exchanged.*

Wildwood Dancing by Juilet Marillier

2011-11-17T04:08:00.001-08:00

The problem with this book is that it's not real.

Juliet Marillier is my arch-nemesis and main rival. We've been competing against each other for the coveted title of #1 most followed Australian for awhile now. The battle has been vicious. The competition fierce.

Okay, maybe she's not as "aware" of this competition as I am... so what if it appears that she's almost never even ON Goodreads and by all accounts may actually have forgotten that she has a GoodReads? It still counts as a competition, right?

But since I've beaten her three weeks in a row, I feel confident that I can once again read her books.

This was a mistake. My jealousy only makes me hate her more. Because this book was fantastic, fantabulous, fantasmagorical.

Recipe for a Juliet Marillier book:

3 parts brilliant written prose
2 parts whimsical fancy
1 awesome female protagonist
1 can of whoop-arse

Available from all major grocery chains and retail outlets

I doubt anybody does magical faery realms and myth retellings with the style, flair and gothic majesty of Juliet Marillier.

I strongly recommend this book to anybody with an inner child and a desire to have their mind blown.

Let The Right One in by John Ajvide Lindqvist

2011-11-17T04:03:00.001-08:00

Imagine for a moment that you were at an event, like the 1995 Rugby World cup where South Africa both hosted and won. Imagine being there in the heat of that moment - the cheer and ebulation. That light, almost unreal sense that the world has faded away and there is only that moment. Nothing else is important and you want to quietly capture the complete bliss you are experiencing and put it in a bottle somewhere. Hopefully at some future date you can take it out and rekindle those emotions and bask in that one, perfect moment again.

Then imagine that you are standing outside of a train station. A train has just crashed in front of you. Pleople are screaming, and the stench of smoking meat is tickling your nose as your eyes sting and water. There's that same feeling. That feeling of, "Is this really happening?" Light. Dizzy. Disbelief. Overwhelming to the point of nausea. You can't forget that moment. It will haunt you. Every time you catch a wiff of smoke those memories will come flooding back, whether you want them to or not.

Same feelings, at their most basic level, but entirely different in their mode. In the first situation you jump and holler. You'll hug those around you, even if you don't know them, and celebrate together. Knitted into temporary friendship because you're experiencing the same, awesome event. For weeks later you'll tell anybody who listens that you were there. You'll tell them about how incredible it was and try to impart on them some semblance of what you felt.

Cut back to the second scenario where you'll stand quietly in solidarity with those around you. Once again, knitted together. Brothers and sisters formed from tragedy. You may hold each other and gather around silently. When other people ask you about it, you'll get that look in your eyes that tells them you've seen things.

You're just as altered as the first scene, but where there was ebulation then, there is horror now.

This is what happens when I read certain books. Books like Stolen fit in the first category. They touch me and move me, so I run around telling everyone that I read it. It was amazing. Share in this experience with me. I want to help you feel what I felt.

Then there are books like this. Now I quietly tell you that I read it. That it touched me. Changed me. I look you in the eye and I don't want to elaborate. I quitely turn away and think a little bit more on what I've seen and read, and how it made me feel.

And maybe if you've read this book too, you might be able to understand why there's really nothing more for me to say.

The Power of Waif-Fu!

2011-11-16T16:40:00.001-08:00

Trac Changes recently wrote an excellent blogpost on the Dead Cover Girl trend that is the big thing in YA right now. There was a discussion on the feminine virtues of passivity taken to its final conclusion of death. Pretty, pretty death.

There was a discussion about how this is nothing new in literature. Even Heathcliff found Catherine more beautiful in death, as did Nelly. However, there's the opposite of this trend, albeit one just as frustrating to the feministly inclined (that's right, I've just turned feminist into an adjective. Deal with it.) At first glance it doesn't appear to be a troublesome trend. After all, how could she be? She is the Buffy Insert! That kickass, street prowling, leather-clad vixen! She's dressed, scantily, to kill and even though she's a 90 pound girl, she still kicks arse.

J.F. Sargent spoke about it to an extent on a Cracked article and TV Tropes calls it Waif Fu.

Not only do we constantly see her on the cover of a whole range of Urban Fantasy novels but she is showing up in YA and Paranormal Romance as well.

Even covers that don't require this kind of image still have it. Take Mind Games by Carolyn Crane for example. Arguably one of the best Urban Fantasy novels I have ever read. Yet its cover pigeon holes it as a Waif Fu, typical to the genre, kick ass heroine. That simply isn't who Justine is! She only touches a knife once, very briefly. She's not some street-stalking vigilante!

Our options for female role models would appear to be either beautiful and passive young women posing around doing nothing in a pretty dress, or a beautiful ass-kicker who looks like she should be a supermodel. Who also, may I add, is not doing anything. The only difference? The Passive teenager is usually in a forest or garden, wearing a ball gown and looking away from the camera. The Urban Fantasy fighter is usually over looking a city, she has a knife, is dressed in leather/tank tops and she's either looking straight at you seductively... or her ass is.

Either way they're objects. If you fight over-powered monsters for a living then there's nothing wrong with struggling to rock a frock when you're off duty. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the message is no longer all about being passive and a giant pansy. I'm glad there are some sexually aggressive, powerful female role models out there. I get that these covers are designed to appeal to the senses and to intrigue us.

But do audiences like Marcus Phoenix any less for looking like one of his parents was a pitbull?


This man splits rocks with his face and Does. Not. Wear. A. Dress.

And you know, I always like Michelle Rodriguez a hundred times more than whatever pretty little girl they have standing next to her. They had to pull out the Jovovich in Resident Evil just so audiences wouldn't boo when Rodriquez dies instead of her!

And I don't care who you are, Vasquez has a Trope named after her because she was that awesome. It's like the media has decided that the world can't handle women that aren't waxed and polished to perfection, but you know what, I think they can. Because the nerds love Vasquez and so did the general audiences. I think it's time we step out from the usual and look into gritty characters - not just as a side character ear-marked to die, I'm talking about a main character.

Clearly if she'd worn more make up, she would have survived.

But at the end of the day for now, the result is the same. And it's a sad result. If you are a woman, whatever you do, whoever you are, you'd better be pretty. Because these covers add to the multitude of media that tells us that nobody wants an ugly girl. Even if she can kick arse and save the day. If she's not sexy then she might as well be dead.

Audio Reviews

2011-11-16T05:31:00.001-08:00

Okay, my exciting news.

I will now be providing a new feature for my reviews. I will be doing them in audio format. Some reviews are already done. I will be placing buttons at the bottom of my reviews here and on GoodReads to let you know what's available.

The first is a blog link:

Then if a video review is available:

Then if an audio review is available:

So keep an eye out and stay tuned!

Daughter of Smoke and Bone

2011-11-16T04:22:00.001-08:00

Do you remember that Taylor Swift song about Romeo and Juliet, Love Story?

It's lyrics go something like this:

I'm a pretty little girl who knows nothing about literature
So I sing a song about starcrossed lovers
Whose only problem is that Daddy doesn't approve
But it's all good because we get married anyway.
Just like that cliffnote's story about Romeo and Juliet!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyy!

We have a tendency with YA literature today, to have stories with the super duper happiest of happy endings where everything works out and true love's only real complications are external difficulties, and self-esteem issues for the girl.

I'm trying to think of the perfect example here and because this review is full of cheap shots at easy targets I'm going to go with...

TWILIGHT!

Come on down, Bella and Edward!

Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with happy endings and butterflies and rainbows and kittens. They're lovely, lovely things and in the hands of an accomplished author, they do well. There's also nothing wrong with having a relationship that's troubled by only external forces. Once again, in the right hands it's fine. I'm not being a miserly old Grinch here. Okay, maybe a little bit, but moving on!

The problem is that in real life, relationships are usually impacted by internal factors. So when you base your story on perfection that can only be tainted by evil people trying to destroy your true love, and twist the story to finally reach that happily ever after, then what you sacrifice is often the very real, almost-tangible, relatable emotions that a more realistic, thoughtful storyline could bring.

And also, Romeo and Juliet is a TRAGEDY, Taylor Swift. A fucking tragedy. You know, like your singing? And that surprised face you make every time someone compliments you? You do it. You totally do it. You know you do.

Thank you, Kieran Culkan. You're a fresh breeze amongst the stagnant world of apathetic performers.

Now what I love about Laini Taylor, other than everything, is that this woman is made of fairytales. I swear she's like woven together by sweet kisses and dewdrops. She's been sung into being by blind minstrels bathed in moonlight. She's wrapped in gossamer and shrived in pure white swan feathers. You know, all that magical shit. She's that. The woman is magic and she writes magic. If anyone could take Romeo and Juliet, mate it with a YA paranormal romance and produce a love child that people don't want to drown at birth - then it would be Laini Taylor.

This book is powerful, emotive, heart breaking, anguishing!

What I'm saying...the point I'm trying to make here...the truth is... Laini Taylor kicked my heart in the ass.

And I LIKED it!

FML

2011-11-15T00:41:00.001-08:00

You know how the last post was a lament to the fact that I just have too much bloody work to do?

Yeah.

Screw that.

I'll have something new and exciting for you soon!

We can't take anymore, Captain!

2011-11-14T01:22:00.001-08:00

You know that moment, that EXACT moment when you realize that you've completely taken on way too much work?

Yeah, I'm at that moment.

Unfortunately, what takes a hit between parenting, cleaning, editing, caring for friends and family, writing my NaNo, blogging, etc is my reading.

I have so many cool ARCS but I just can't seem to get around to them!

Wait for me, ARCs! I'm coming for you!

Storm Born by Richelle Mead

2011-11-14T01:10:00.001-08:00

Did you hear that sound? That sound, right there? Okay, well, it's either the sound of my heart forsaking Mead for all eternity, or there's a murderer whose broken into your house and is SNEAKING UP BEHIND YOU!!!!!

Look over your shoulder just to check that I'm wrong. You know you want to do it!

Storm Born, the tragic tale of a woman forced by cruel fate to be hit on by ALL the men. Yes. That's what this story is about. Okay, there are fairies and she has to recover some damsel in distress but basically the novel is about Eugenie's love life.

I suppose my problem with Dark Born is that all of Mead's washed up, tried and not-so-true tropes are here. Again. Strong heroine (who will undoubtedly end the series as a complete moron), sexy hero who heroine loves, though nobody really knows why. Secondary sexy love interest who is way more awesome than sexy hero and who Mead spends far more time fleshing out a real relationship with the heroine, but who is apparently not the heroine's twue loff. For reasons completely unknown. I will inevitably like this love interest far more than the banal and boring love interest Mead champions.

The one thing I'll say about this novel is that Mead writes good sex. That's her one redeeming virtue. She writes gripping, interesting characters, a rich world and stories that hint at great possibilities, but Mead absolutely sucks at the follow through.

The difference with this novel is that I'm not interested in following through to watch her crash and burn yet another series. This novel reminded me of a quote by Dan Hemmens from Ferretbrain.

"Rape is not the occupational hazard of having a vagina."

Thank you.

Now I'll address the fictional critics in my head by saying that yes, Mead gave all these douches a reason to rape the protagonist that wasn't just about sex. But... well, it just doesn't count and I'll explain why.

I don't know about you, but *I* am personally sick of stories that tell me that because I have a vagina, I am a walking talking victim waiting to happen. Because novel after novel tells the same story. No matter how strong, powerful or kickarse you are as a heroine, you are still a victim and will need to be rescued by a man. Possibly several times.

I'm sick to death of it. Barely a page goes by in this book where rape isn't mentioned. Even if it's just to say, 'Eugenie, you're so beautiful I'd rape you and LIKE it!"

This book almost treats rape like a fucking compliment. "I've had five rape attempts today, what about you?" "Oh, I've had three." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Don't worry, maybe tomorrow will pick up!"

I have a problem with drilling into people's heads that women are victims. Always. Vulnerable, precious little petals. Don't let them out of the house or they'll trip over their puritanical vaginas and get raped. Or what about a message just as bad? Almost all men will rape if given the chance. It's the rare few who won't take the opportunity for a good ol' free for all on an unwilling woman.

Now hold on for an even bigger criticism. Of all the worst things, this was the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!

This book... is like Anita Blake.

It's got multiple love interests, fairies, bargains made, political sex, sexual awakening of formerly prudish, loner character, mystery, evil women bitches out to get you. It's all so very reminiscent.

You know what? Don't read this book. Just go watch Generation 4 My Little Pony instead. I promise there's no rape there and it's about a thousand times better and more entertaining.

And there is no rape.

Childless Adults

2011-11-10T21:33:00.001-08:00

To all those adults out there who don't have children but seek to dispense advice to those that do:

Please stop handing out advice to parents. Please. Unless you are a child psychologist or medical professional of any kind.

Yes, we know you feel that you could, if you had them, raise children better than people who actually have children. Yes, we've heard about how you practically babysat all the time for your cousins/neices/nephews/once had a pet and, how different could it be, right? But no, really. Just stop.

I'm going to be first in line!

2011-11-10T14:25:00.001-08:00

So I just purchased my hardcover copy of Seraphina. Which you can find buying links for from here.

I was so super excited until I saw the expected shipping date:

August 23rd 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes life just isn't fair.

Getting your ARCs approved

2011-11-09T18:30:00.000-08:00

For those in the know, Soren Bowie's Uncle Frank occasionally gives some frank advice to his readers. Now, my Great Aunt Nell isn't the brilliant geyser of advice that Uncle Frank is, but she does have some home-spun, salt of the earth wisdom that I thought I'd share around.

There's been a lot of discussion on GoodReads lately about getting approved for ARCs. Well the expert of occasionally being approved is here to weigh in on your questions, and ask you to wash your mouth out. She is my Great Aunt Nell.

She really is a treasure to all.

Fictional Question Asker #1

Why do I get approved for some ARCs but not for others? Even when they're from the same publisher?

The problem is with you kids is that you think you're entitled to everything. Take my grandniece for example. She's the most indulgent, spoiled child I ever met. You should hear her complain every time she gets denied! Oh dear! I didn't get approved for that title. Well, Kathryn, why should you get approved for anything? Especially looking the way you do. Would it kill you to wear a little make up? Maybe put on a dress? What you have to do is cook a nice meal. That will win over everyone. Nobody knows how to cook anymore. I said to my friend Elspeth the other day, I said, "Elspeth, nobody knows how to cook anymore." And she agreed. What's the world coming to when you have the girls reading and the cooking not being done and the young boys trying on pantyhose but you can't get a girl to wear a dress?

Fictional Question Asker #2

I requested an ARC and the publisher approved some of my friends but not me, even though I have more followers and I'm way more popular and better looking. Why is this?

Wait until your old! Do you know how hard it is to get a decent date in a nursing home? All the good ones die at fifty. It's basically orgies every night and you know what I think? I think it's the ugly ones that get the men. Maybe because they put out and they're doing all those strange, modern things. We didn't do these things in my day. I said to my friend Elspeth, I said, "Elspeth, we didn't do these things in my day and now we have to learn it all and what I'm saying is that those balls don't get better with age is what I'm saying." Elspeth agreed. So your answer is that your friend is a whore.

Fictional Question Asker #3

I've been put on Auto-Accept for some publishers but not for others. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for this. Can you explain it to me?

You know, publishers are like children. No matter how much you do for them, they're soulless little assholes. Take my great niece for example. Look what a little asshole she is. First chance she and her mother get, they'll probably stick me in a home and use my pearls as anal beads or whatever it is the kids do these days. You know what I say? A kid can never get too many smacks around the head. It grounds them. Maybe your publishers are like kids? Maybe they just need a darn good spanking. Though, come to think of it, I did threaten Kathryn with that once but she said she'd enjoy it too much. See? What did I say? She's an asshole.

Welcome

2011-11-07T14:18:00.001-08:00

Okay, I lied about the strippers, I'm sorry.

But look how pretty it is!

Wasn't it worth being tricked just to come here?

Okay, don't answer that...

Books in retrospect

2011-11-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about some books that I've read and, you know what? Some of them aren't that great in retrospect. I think I was more fond of them just after I read them than I am remembering them.

For example, how much did I really like the Chicagoland Vampire series? I tried to reread them the other day and found it a truly painful experience.

Was I a little too enthusiastic starring some reviews. Which is weird because I'm generally more conservative with stars than many GoodReaders.

Was Hallowed really a four star read for me? Especially when, in the light of day it feels like 3.5 at most when I think about it not even a day later. Especially since I rater Everneath four stars, I book I ultimately felt was far superior.

I wonder why that is? Are books like wine? Do the truly great ones age well and do the bad ones kind of sour with time and experience? If you take them out a while later and swill them around in your mind, will they still taste the same? Will they still touch you the same, or if not, maybe in a better way?

Maybe I'll make a list of books that I still love six months after reading them, but I think those books already exist on my Christmas list!

NaNo

2011-11-06T01:05:00.000-07:00

Good news, Mr Kennedy has read what I've written so far for NaNo and says he's enjoyed it greatly.

Bad news, Mr Kennedy has read what I've written so far for NaNo and he would never tell me if he hated my writing.

Oh well! Good luck to all other NaNo participants!

My U/N for NaNo is K.C. Kennedy if you want to be writing buddies!

Review for Hallowed

2011-11-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

*This galley was provided to me by the publishers via netgalley.

This review can also be found on my GoodReads!

3.5 Stars

Hallowed is a difficult book to rate because it's not going to appeal to everyone. If you're the kind of person who needs fast paced adventure then you're better off picking up something else. Hallowed is very much focused on relationships, self-growth and destiny.

It continues its themes with purpose, faith and trust - these themes are extended here and well constructed.

Clara is awaiting the return of the Black Wing and dealing with her newfound relationship with Tucker whilst Christian is in the background being all sexy and mysterious.

Struggling with how her purpose ended up last book, she is losing faith in herself and distrusting her family.

I felt like the strong characters and great writing by Hand really carried this novel because otherwise it might struggle very strongly from middle book syndrome. The plot is not progressed a whole deal but there are a number of big revelations.

But what Hand does bring to it is a great amount of Self-awareness and just enough awkward reality and relationships to pull it through. I liked this book better than the first one and I felt like the writing was just a little tighter and stronger in this one.

Over all, a good, solid second installment from Hand and I look forward to the next.

Everneath Review

2011-11-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

*This ARC was provided to me by HarperCollins. No money or favours were exchanged for this review - much to my chagrin!

This review is also available on my Goodreads .

November Madness is what I nicknamed this month. With a variety of very interesting looking titles becoming available for galley grab, to many readers, it appeared to be a smorgasbord of literary delights.

Everneath is one such of these delights and, in my opinion, completely deserves the hype.

Becks, a seventeen year old girl, wakes up from a hundred year-long hibernation with bad-~~boy~~ supernatural, Cole. He’s been feeding from her to replenish himself, above the surface only six months have passed. Becks returns to her life a husk of her former self.

Emaciated, numb to emotion and damaged. She has six months to live before being dragged back into hell but she wants to see her exboyfriend, Jack, one more time before she goes.

If I were to find a movie to compare this book to, I suppose it would be a mix between The Labyrinth and Drugstore Cowboy (or The Man With A Golden Arm if you’re going to be persnickety). In fact, the whole book is a rather excellent drug metaphor. This hit home for me in a big way and was perhaps why I was especially moved and addicted (sorry!) by this novel.

The book is agonizingly beautiful in that Becks honestly struggles as a drug addict would and one could argue that all the fantastical elements in this book are Beck’s psychosis trying to deal with her recovery and past experiences. Jack was her love before The Feeding and Ashton breaks up the novel with several flashbacks to give us insight into Beck’s fall from grace. Cole, on the otherhand, is the perfect counterbalance. He is dark, seductive, effortlessly tempting. He is like a devil on Beck’s shoulder. He follows her everywhere trying to tempt her back. He has a weird relationship with Beck’s that is part dependency, part companionship that sufficiently muddies the usual moralities shuffled through in other such novels. It’s very clear, often, that Beck’s struggle to resist Cole is painful, sometimes a little nonsensical and takes an extraordinary strength of will and character.

Ashton weaves Cole’s character as being both despicable and yet sympathetic. It’s hard to entirely dismiss Cole as evil and yet you can hardly claim he’s good. He’s almost the culmination of almost every paranormal badboy douche who gets romanticized in these kinds of novels. Ashton takes that kind of character to his final conclusion and releases him upon her novel like a tornado. Yes, readership, there are boys out there who are gorgeous, dangerous, sexy-beyond-all-reason and effortlessly charming. But they will also suck you down into hell, suck you dry and in the end they just plain suck.

Jack is the excellent counter-balance in this novel. Damaged, yet loving and courageous he battles to keep Becks from being dragged back into the Everneath. Their relationship isn’t always strong. There’s so much honest emotion and history with these two characters that their relationship arc is solid and real.

I found the pacing of Everneath was smooth but fans of action and adventure books will probably find themselves itching for more. This is a book about people. People healing, people trusting, people trying to tear that all down again. There’s a plot and there’s a rushing timeline looming in the background but there’s not a lot of fists and falcon punches. Ashton’s writing is strong and serves well for this novel. Her use of imagery is great and she manages to create a rather unique and coherent mythology in this book.

But be warned, this is a trilogy and Ashton leaves her novel on a heartbreaking cliff-hanger of sorts. I am eagerly awaiting the sequel and this book goes on my to-buy list when released!

Characters who hate.

2011-11-04T02:36:00.000-07:00

My characters don't like each other and it's kind of frustrating. I don't know how to make them like each other.

Do I just put them in a room and leave them there together until they sort it out? I'm trying to write a romance here but these two bastards aren't cooperating! I don't think I'm asking for much. Just some civility which might bloom into some kind of respect and eventually deepen into affection and love.

Instead it has to be all like, "You tricked my brother into fairy and now he's lost!"

"You've kidnapped me for my magical wish granting skills - sucks to be your brother!"

"Evil demon harpy!"

"Medieval moron!"

Then I try to avoid them killing each other and prematurely ending my novel.

It's worse than having children!

The Southern Vampire Mysteries

2011-10-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

Well, here's this week's video, folks!

Vloging is not mother friendly

2011-10-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

For those interested in trying it, vloging and breastfeeding totally don't mix. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of mess to clean up.

Video Review for Fever Series

2011-10-06T02:56:00.000-07:00

So another video review is out. My video editing skills just aren't getting any better but, you know, I'm so amazing and talented in other areas that I'm not going to fuss about these pithy little skills that would only detract from my overall greatness.

The important thing is that we're all together now.

Oh, and holy cheeseballs, batman - 79 followers? How the hell did that happen!

Welcome to all the new people, settle in, make yourself comfortable, pass the brownies.

Let's all watch My Little Ponies together!

That thing that goes bump in the night... is my Manuscript

2011-03-30T04:42:00.000-07:00

So, a friend on GoodReads broke the news to me today. There are several other cybernetic-based books coming out in the next two years.

So, what does this tell me? Either I hurry up and submit my manuscript to jump on the bandwagon - or I already missed the wave.

Either way I'm fucked because I'm chicken-shit. I feel nauseous even thinking about doing the final edits on my manuscript... let alone submitting it to anyone!

My manuscript is an albatross, noosed around my neck.

It's the thing that goes bump in the night.

Like it's coming in at me from all sides now.

Anybody else know the feeling?

Friday's Video Log

2011-03-25T02:17:00.000-07:00

Oops!

I'm going to be late this week! Sorry guys, but it's not because I don't love you!

The good news is that it's actually going to be a positive review this week! I know that'll be a nice change!

The OTHER Women in Today's Literature

2011-03-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

I'm certainly not the first, nor will I be the last to expound on the issues of representation and quality of female characters in YA Paranormal Lit and even in the Urban Fantasy and Paranormal Romance Genre.
However, I am currently reading Simone de Beauvoir, and like millions before me, I’m currently in sparkle-eyed, obsessive admiration of her…

Seriously, she does strange things to me… like turn me into a dreamy anime girl…

Simone takes her readers through a profound, deeply insightful look into the continued failure of the modern and not-so-modern feminist movement. One of the biggest reasons for the protracted and difficult struggle women have had in order to win equality and basic human rights is our inability to unite together into a single cause.

As Simone points out often, women are often tied to their homes with a greater sense of responsibility to their family than to their gender. They don’t always mix well with women of different social strata since they are usually unable to adequately sympathize with each other and usually have completely different yet, in the end, complementary needs.

I think they find it hard to relate to each other…

So what are these three different, but intimately related genres teaching us about OTHER women, and I’m not really addressing the shitty quality of female protagonists, either.

Representation of the OTHER Women in Literature

In almost EVERY SINGLE YA, PNR or UF I’ve read, other women are the bad guys.

Exactly this ridiculous, only female.

If it is a story centred around a school then you will have your bitchy, evil, female MeanGirls. If it is an Urban Fantasy or Paranormal Romance women will either feature rarely or if they do, they are either a plot device (more on that later), ridiculed by the text or evil. The only exception to this rule is a series based on a group of characters who hook up with the Twue Loffs over a series of books, like Black Dagger Brotherhood or Karen Marie Moning’s Highlander Series. Then they’re all allowed to be friends after the fact but during their own novel's, they're almost entirely the only women present!

The Plot Device Woman, The Ridiculous Woman and the Anti-Protagonist

Often this woman exists as the sole friend of the Protagonist’s. She is there as a counter-weight to make the (usually) already lacklustre female protagonist look more interesting.

For example, Nora’s Vee from Hush Hush.
**I would like to point out that I am naming these characters in a function that clearly shows they belong to the protagonist because they wouldn’t exist except as an extension of the protagonist.

Vee is often described by Nora as overly-curvy. She is simple-minded (this is me being polite to a non-character), desperate, boy-driven, reckless and ridiculous!

Her function is to allow drooling over Patch, which Nora can’t be seen doing because then she would, apparently, look ridiculous. Thus that is Vee’s job. She’s also needed to further the plot and is easily discarded when not needed to make this book more ridiculous than it already is.

The same could be said for Luce’s Penn in Fallen and Ever’s Haven in Evermore.

They serve to do what the main protagonist can’t and dress the protagonist and make her pretty, whilst reminding the reader how ewnique the heroine is and that she’s cool because she’s not into all that “girlie shit”.

The Evil Women

I’ve read a number of books lately in which there is not ONE positive female character other than the protagonist. Surprisingly, Kathy Reich’s Virals come to mind as the latest, and most unexpected entry onto my list of Books Lacking Positive Female Representation.

I’m not kidding when I say that not a SINGLE female character in this book is in anyway positive with the sole exception of the protagonist. Almost every male character in this book turns out to be either: awesome, nice, good, misunderstood or wronged.

The girls at school are complete bitches who the female protagonist describes as stupid and uninteresting, her father’s girlfriend is nothing but a mindless society girl and that sums it up.

Similarly with Jessica’s Guide to Dating on the Dark Side. Another disappointing entry onto the list, despite my enjoyment of it.

The more obvious entries would be: Shiver, The Iron Witch, and a bevy of rubbish YA literature.

The Non-Existent Women

Bitten by Kelley Armstrong, one of my favourites, has virtually no other female characters in it and the one woman who becomes a female werewolf (in a sequel novel) is a stupid, manipulative liar who we’re supposed to despise and ultimately pity.

Anita Blake which is supposed to be ALL ABOUT woman power and yet women are, for the most part, non-existent in her world. When they are finally represented they are either evil, useless, incompetent or vindictive.

A number of novels, such as Stray by Rachel Vincent, and the aforementioned Bitten simply remove the hassle of creating ANY female characters from them by creating a mythology in which women aren’t powerful enough to become paranormal creatures and the female protagonist is one of the sole exceptions.
To a lesser degree, the Mercy Thompson series also does this and one has to wonder why?

Why Do Authors Do This?

As mentioned above, for a number of reasons. A diamond looks less special when it’s surrounded by other diamonds and a quartz looks even worse surrounded by diamonds.

Their protagonists aren’t really unique, special or amazing (in most cases). Luce, Ever, Grace, Nora etc aren’t all that distinguishable when you pile them all together. If you were to create a story featuring all these characters then it would probably have a lot of girls who all sound and act almost entirely the same.

Similarly many Paranormal Romance Heroines and Urban Fantasy Heroines are only distinguishable because of their different powers or abilities or SPECIES.

How different are Stormwalker’s Janet Begay and Moon Called’s Mercy Thompson, really?
Or Kim Harrison, Anita Blake, Gin Blanco and Cassandra Palmer?

It’s easier to either feature other women in far worse light or to not feature them at all than to create a truly unique, vibrant, living, breathing character that can stand up to some competition.

What Are the Effects?

Competition, mainly.

As in, we’re all in one.

Other women aren’t there for solidarity and sisterhood. In these novels, most of these women are far more comfortable around men and male companionship than they are around women.

Simone de Beauvoir speaks constantly about how men see women as Other. The ones Not Like Him. Yet, aren’t these books sending the same message? Other women are Other. They are either competition, in the way or something to be used to gain the prize: The Man.

Because in the end, that’s what most of the conflict stems from in these books.

Hot Guy likes Heroine. Evil Bitch wants Hot Guy. Evil Bitch attacks Heroine. Heroine is more awesome than Evil Bitch and Hot Guy recognizes this. Heroine Wins.

It’s a formula, too often used, that only hurts us and our perception of other women. There is no sense of sisterhood or solidarity in these novels. These novels routinely show us that our benefactors, peers and supporters are pretty much only men.

And hey, there's NOTHING wrong with men. Many men have joined to help fight and continue to support women's rights around the world. But we're certainly not doing ourselves any favours if society is teaching us to be suspicious, wary and uncomfortable around EACH OTHER.

I don’t believe fiction is the cause of this, merely an unfortunate victim and unwitting propagator of what is becoming a more and more prevalent and damaging view.

I've Been Immortalized, and other interesting things...

2011-03-20T15:55:00.000-07:00

So there I was, boldly going where every good reader should go at least seventy-five times a day: Goodreads.

Minding my own business, trying not to blow people away with the power of my sexual potency when I notice somebody liked something with my name in it. Pushed to greater heights of self-vanity and interest, I decided to check it out.

And what should I find?

Kat the Reviewer, GOT REVIEWED!

I know, it almost blew my mind too. But I tell you the truth! See? I have a Link to prove it!

So go check it out, I think Mariel has done an awesome job! I wouldn't be linking to it unless it was filled with superlative declarations of love to me!

Also, anybody want to create a Unicorn creation story in five lines or less? Send me your best shot!

Hush Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

2011-03-18T02:56:00.000-07:00

Friday's Video for Hush Hush is officially up. Hopefully, I will have a positive video review to bring to you this week as well to make up for so many bad ones!

The Goddess Test by Aimee Carter

2011-03-12T05:50:00.000-08:00

Two Stars

*This ARC was provided for me by Harlequin and no money was exchanged.*

I requested this galley because, after reading the blurb, I immediately decided that the concept was awesome and that this book would be made of win. I tried to rationalize with myself that it might not be the fantastic story I was imagining, but it still had to be good, right? RIGHT?

Of course the concept of Vampire has already been taken, murdered, chopped into little pieces, jellified and poured into a modern, PC mould of super coolness.

I just didn't realize you could do that to the entire Greek Mythology as well.

And this is where to entire book falls apart. Which is extremely sad because the concept was so awesome. There was potential for REAL characters, great dialogue, witty mythology-based banter, awkward circumstances and believable chemistry.

Mythology: The Greek gods and goddesses, like normal people except with immortality and individual powers. They torment, rape or save mortals and generally act insane before retiring for the evening to get drunk and partake in debauchery.
TGT: The gods and goddesses are no longer blood relatives and they're no longer Greek. They're equal opportunity dieties. They don't stand for any immoral shenanigans and consider human life valid.

Mythology: Hades is a mostly okay god having only raped a few mortals and embroiled in a small case of kidnap which may or may not have given Persephone the world's first case of Stockholm Syndrome. He is the guardian to the Underworld which is a miserable place according to every spirit spoken to, the few retrieved or those couple who've bravely entered alive and lived to tell the tale. DON'T try to mess with or remove spirits from this horrible place. It seriously pisses Hades off though he has been known to return a spirit or two because he's a generally alright God. He's the eldest of his three brothers. He has an awesome helm of invisibility and a few other useful trinkets and also a three-headed dog.
TGT: Hades is a brooding, twenty-two year old (looking) VIRGIN immortal, with a ONE headed dog named Cerebrus and none of the awesome or LACK OF VIRGINITY. His only powers seem to be an incredible ability to angst up a room and all the romantic tact of a wet fish with a bad case of herpes (WHO IS A VIRGIN!) He also follows some preset rules (if gods don't make the rules then who does?) and is generally a pussywhipped virgin!

Oh, how the mighty have fallen...

I could go on, but I think it's enough that the original mythology which was this book's biggest drawcard, has been destroyed and along with it, the possibility of a really great story. Because, after all, you can't proudly base your story so heavily on Greek mythology and then turn it into something so very uncomfortably western and Christian based.

The characters weren't all bad. Kate was extremely exasperating in the beginning of this novel. She, for good reason, believes that Hades has the ability to take life and death right up until she's in his beautiful mansion and has seen all the proof. Then she refuses to believe any of it and insist he's crazy.

The biggest problem is that when you're reading a story about being tested to become a god or goddess, you're kind of expecting the trial to be somewhat hard. You know, stealing the Girdle of Hippolyte or DESTROY A FREAKIN' HYDRA!!! It's immortality, dude. You can't just go giving that shit away.

One day I would like to discuss why a man gets twelve tests that require strength, skill, cunning and intelligence; and a woman gets seven tests requiring morality and humility. There seems to be an underlying message there for those people who want to draw conclusions.

And that's my final problem with this story. It's not that the writing is necessarily bad or that all that characters are bad. Most of them are fine and this book is actually readable. My problem is the massive copouts left, right and centre.

Being coerced into a deal to save your mother's life should involve maybe a few more hardships than getting to wear pretty dresses, living in a rich mansion and falling in love with a super sexy God. Tests for immortality should be a little more difficult than going an afternoon without food and letting your friends have the clothes that you didn't want anyway.

Finally, I felt the entire ending of this story was the biggest copout of all.

It's been a sad trend in YA lit that everything always has to be hunky-dory perfect with a kickass outfit to boot. I was really hoping this book would be something special and unique. The Goddess Test didn't pass its final grade.

First Video Post!

2011-03-11T00:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've posted my first video review and chose Fallen to take the fall.

Can I just mention that filming a Vlog is a complete and total bitch. It took me thirteen attempts, a lot of swearing and several hours of editing, cutting, downloading etc to get to this point.

Can I say that the end result is worth it? Fuck no! But I've got some great ideas for my next Vlog and hopefull it will be far superior!

So, I hope you enjoy and thanks for being patient while I get my blog up and running!

The Anita Blake Series by Laurell K Hamilton

2011-03-10T02:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, so some of the girls asked that I do a review of the Anita Blake series because I mentioned some things that intrigued them.

It's not a finished series and usually I would reserve judgment on a series until it comes to its conclusion just in case the author was going somewhere I wasn't expecting.

Kind of like that scene out of Austin Powers where Austin's in the bathroom stall with a bad guy and a big Texan man is in the next stall and can only see Austin's feet. He hears Austin Powers grunting as he fights the guy, saying, "Who does Number 2 work for?"

The Texan guy, thinking that Austin is taking a crap, decides to pitch in and give encouragement to someone who is obviously struggling.

"That's right! Show that turd who's boss!"

Well, that's what reading Anita Blake is like. You're sitting in the next stall with someone who, nine or so books ago you thought was really nice and normal. Suddenly they start to struggle and you want to be encouraging, or you want to tell them to give up, take a laxative and come back later. The thing is, at first you're wary to because maybe something else is going on. Maybe a brilliant struggle for life and death is happening but you just can't see it. Maybe at the end of the series, you're going to come out, see what's left over in the stall and proudly proclaim:

Jesus Christ, what did you eat?

The first 10 books are filled with mystery and intrigue. They've got great characters and really interesting storylines. They've got action. DAMN have they got action! Obsidian Butterfly, in my opinion, the last good book is such a thriller in so many ways.

They're a little bit sexy and you find yourself wishing a little more sexy would come your way because it's kind of really hawt.

But then something happens after book 10. It happens so quickly that you're kind of in a headspin, looking around going, "Am I still reading the right series? Have they printed a different book under the same name?"

Because suddenly, they're no longer mysteries. There's no longer any real edge-of-your-seat suspense. Suddenly, you think you're going to go a little crazy if you read another freakin' sex scene. Suddenly the writing is so poor, so transparent! The characters are so unlikable and so unrelatable that they might as well be from another galaxy.

You're just walking along one day, admiring the view, when suddenly - OH CRAP! ANITA JUST HAD SEX WITH A WERELEOPARD IN ANIMAL FORM!!!!

You're minding you're own business, enjoying a cup of coffee when - FUCK! SHE JUST HAD A THREE WAY WITH TWO MEN! ANALSEXANALSEXANALSEX!!!

You were about to get ready for work when, out of nowhere - CROTCHBUCKETS! SHE'S JUST HAD A MASSIVE GROUP ORGY AND BEEN 'SPITTED' BY TWO MEN! FAAARK!!!

Then you wonder if you can still walk into a church after reading these books. They become so appallingly bad that you wear them like a badge of pride. "Oh, you think THAT book is shocking? Has she ever had sex with an animal while a whole room full of people look on?" "Oh! You think THAT'S shocking? Did that character ever have seven consecutive boyfriends and nine casual fucks at the same time?" "Really? That character is THAT powerful? Did they ever defeat an evil villain with the power of their crotch alone?"

Speaking of which, this is one of the major, MAJOR flaws of Anita Blake. Her Cooter. The Crotch of Doom as some of the girls call it. Almost every man she comes across, she has to sleep with. And then he loves her. He's addicted to her. He can't get enough of her. It's ridiculous. That girl had better have a TV screen in her forehead, beer leaking from her nipples and a bellybutton that dispenses sandwiches. Otherwise I just ain' buyin' it!

She amasses power like it's spare change. She goes from being a powerful animator of zombies, to a necromancer who can control ALL dead things (including vampires), as well as being a lupa (Queen of the Werewolves, Namira-Ra (Queen of the wereleopards) having six strains of were in her but none of the downsides like actually changing. She becomes a succubus. She is a human servant part of a powerful Triumvate. Then she makes her OWN triumvate with her own Vampire to call and an animal to call. It's just RIDICULOUS! You're wondering where it stops!

This stops her from having any character growth. I thought Anita Blake's flaws were going to be dealt with at some point. I thought her pride, arrogance, lack of impulse control, insecurities etc were going to be addressed through circumstances and a learning curve. No. She just becomes so powerful that it doesn't matter anymore.

And the books are just basically sex. That's all that happens. Everyone has sex. All the time. And then they all argue. A lot. Anita wears a skirt, so three out of seven of her boyfriends take issue with that and then argue with Anita and amongst themselves. Anita chips a nail, so at least five of her boyfriends go mental and start blaming each other.

I really don't know why this mess continues. It's beyond ridiculous. I think LKH just wants to see how much she can shock us now. What more can she do to play with our heads? So Anita has brain sex with another woman. So Anita has sex with a sixteen year old. It doesn't matter anymore. In the end, Anita never takes responsibility for ANY of it. She never really sits down and says: "Regardless of everything - I want to be with THIS person and THAT person. I want to do THESE crazy sex acts because that would get me hawt. Then I want to try it with five men at once."

No. It's always the situation. She's always "made" to do it. This makes me lose so much respect for both the character and LKH. You want fantasy smut in your story? Fine. Put it in there. But don't make it so that the character never CHOOSES the fantasy smut. Don't make it so that each and every time, the character is forced by circumstances to do these crazy, smutty things. WTH?

And lastly, don't push feminist bullshit down our throats when every other woman in this series is either a bitch, psycho, cow or pathetically weak! If Anita was a real woman than she'd stand up to a little damn competition. Instead she fights with every other woman around like it's some kind of damn pissing competition.

I kept thinking that maybe LKH was behind that stall, doing something that didn't seem apparent to me. From what I could see so far, she was struggling to get something out. I kept wanting to yell at her for it, but then I thought, maybe there's something epic happening. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just because I can't see enough from my stall in the bathroom of life.

No, my friends. In this instance, she's not wrestling a man into a toilet bowl for information. She's not leading us through some epic, well thought out drama that's going to unfold brilliantly if we just hang on and keep reading.

She's just shitting with us. Well and truly, and enjoying the money we pay her for the pleasure of reading this crap.

Shadowfever by Karen Marie Moning

2011-03-10T02:33:00.000-08:00

Four Stars

Usually when reviewing a book, it's possible to give away a few minor plot points, in order to discuss the theme and intentions of the author, without actually spoiling anything in the book. With Shadowfever, however, pretty much discussing anything is a spoiler.

In fact, admitting the existence of the book is actually a spoiler.

I can't even really discuss what characters feature in this story because that, too, would be a spoiler. This review has absolutely no spoilers in the main part. Down below, if you scroll to the very bottom of the page, you will see some comments and thoughts of mine that contain spoilers but they are well marked and easily avoided.

My best chance for providing a spoiler-free review for you is to just describe my general feel of the book.

This is really the easiest way for me to do that.

Reading this book was like that scene out of Napoleon Dynamite where Pedro promises his class that if they vote for him, all their dreams will come true.

Shadowfever was a little like that. In the first four books, KMM promised that if I just picked this one up, ALL MY DREAMS WOULD COME TRUE.

And you know what? KMM wasn't fucking around.

Pictured: Not Fucking Around

She did everything I believed was absolutely impossible. She did it with class, she did it with style and she actually made me happy that I put my faith in this series.

That's a pretty big order to fill.

As promised, the Shadowfever delivered WITH fireworks.

Part of it was that Mac was such a singularly self-introspective character. Every thought, every action, every word or omission was examined with cruel, objective efficiency. And even when she lied to herself, she always came back later with a big hammer of truth and shattered those illusions until those illusions were SORRY and promised to never illude (made up word alert) again.

She defied a mainstay of western literature in her savagery and need for vengeance. Most (Disclaimer: Not all) literature idealizes woman as the forgiving creature who prefers to get on with her life as opposed to wasting it on vengeance. Probably so that she can get down to the baby making that is so important.

This is a particular problem in the romance genre where KMM first made her big break.

Women do not traditionally want to hold the cooling body of their enemy while blood drips to the floor and their hand twists the weapon that has brought an end to their vengeance. Usually, that's a man thing.

But, you see, Mac takes responsibility for her own vengeance. She takes responsibility for the world - despite how much she doesn't want to. We see repeatedly in the first four books that as much as she wants to shift the burden, she doesn't. That takes a special kind of strength. All the while reading this series, I was only glad it was Mac's story and not mine.

Kat's story would have ended with shagging V'lane ruthlessly because Kat couldn't keep it in her pants when sexy came calling. The end. I just would have trusted my gut and hoped that Barrons, Rowena or V'lane of the MacKeltars knew better. Who was I to decide the fate of the world?

Shadowfever sorely tests that aspect of Mac, that strength to not rely on others to solve her problems. I cannot sing KMM's praises enough for this. Princesses who sit in castles waiting for the noble prince to find them, romance heroine's whose honourable, rich lover turns up to rescue them... Their stories pale in comparison to a lead character who rolls with the punches that life gives her and does everything in her power to punch back.

The single problem that I have with this book is its inability to let go of other western (and other cultures are to blame too) ideals that we place on our female leads.

The concept of action for selfish reasons is briefly addressed in this book and I felt that KMM was handling it so well. I felt that Mac's selfishness and desire to use power for her own means were actually so well justified by the past text that maybe she SHOULD be allowed to use the ultimate power to achieve her means.

This concept was later twisted and garbled though and, without going into detail, was the only small botherance I really had with what was other a fantastic novel and a spectacular end to this amazing series.

SPOILERS BELOW
***************

**Spoilers Commencing:**
There is actually more of a reason that I didn't give this book more than four stars and why I might decide to bump it down to three.

Reading up to this book several fans, including myself, picked apart the other four looking for clues. We were so sure that Barron's identity, Mac's mysterious past, the Unseelie King, the purpose of the book... we were so sure that the answers were staring us right in the face and that we just needed to find the right set of evidence to figure it out.

But now I know that for the lie it was. Some things were cleverly concealed, like the identity of Dani's killer and the holder of her journal. However, all of the rest, I feel, were kept from us. You can't deduce what Barrons is from the pitiful amount of information provided in the first four books and nothing will prepare you for the rather annoying truth. He's something never before seen. Never before heard of. There's no myth, no legend. It was never something we COULD guess.

Same with Mac's origins. How could you actually know that the book was capable of absorbing itself into a fetus? You can't. You never have enough information that you could have deduced that.

So whilst I really enjoyed Shadowfever, I felt a bit cheated that KMM wasn't the brilliant creator, cleverly concealing the truth so that the truly observant amongst her readership could arrive at the right conclusions. She just didn't give us enough information. Maybe that sounds like whining. Maybe it sounds like a petulant child, stamping its foot and saying, "It's not fair!"

Well, truthfully, if a mystery writer finished a novel and the hero came out and said, "It was the Maid in the poolroom with the candlestick but you wouldn't have been able to guess that because I'm only now presenting the information necessary to come to that conclusion!" Well, in that case you'd think the mystery writer was cracked. Half the fun is in trying to be smarter than the protagonist. In this case, none of us really had a chance.

Also, Mac's a big whimpy coward who should have told Barrons right from the getgo that she loved him.

My other problem with this entire series is the nature of women and men portrayed. Mac and Dani are the only good, powerful women portrayed and Dani is just a child.

The Fae are supposed to be matriarchal yet they are effectively led by V'lane. The women don't really have any power. The so-called queen is weak, ineffectual and needs to be protected by a Prince who also does all the work for her. In the confrontation between Seelie and Unseelie we see that the female fae have no voice or authority over the men and their opinions are easily discarded.

All the big players in this book are men with the sole exception of Rowena, who is not only a total bitch but also weak and obviously a very poor leader with bad judgement. Women who gain power in this series, with the sole exception of Mac, become bad. The Seelie Queen is depicted as cruel, jealous and ultimately defeated by her more powerful husband.

Might makes right for Barrons and his men whose views on women make cavemen look fair and reasonable. The MacKeltars are just as bad and reading this book gives the distinct impression that Mac's vagina (and who gets it) is just as important as Mac's abilities.

Barrons becomes furious with Mac in Dreamfever for withholding information about the Book because apparently this is the one thing he's after. YET, he knows that Mac's search for her sister's killer is the one thing she's after and he is all too happy to keep information about that to himself.

Fiona gains some power by eating unseelie flesh in these novels yet she is ultimately a doormat to her petty emotions for Barrons. Not a single one of the major book players (McCabe, Malluce, O'Bannion) are female. Women simply don't have power in the Fever world. Even if they're supposed to.

The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan

2011-03-10T02:32:00.000-08:00

Five Stars

See this family?

Or this family?

Take a good long hard look at all of their faces.

See how happy, how healthy, how loving they are. Imagine you've known them your entire life and that you love each one more than life itself.

Now imagine if you were one of the people in that photograph with them.

Now imagine that I told you and all those other people standing and smiling with you that I was going to kill you all so that I could go for a trip to the beach...

Okay, now you know the basic plot of The Forest of Hands and Teeth.

I've mentioned before that I have a love/hate relationship with zombies. On one hand, I love reading zombie books and watching zombie movies. On the other I will then spend two weeks wide awake clutching a baseball bat while waiting for the shuffle of feet and the moans of the undead outside my bedroom door.

I actually have something like this in my house...

I love the chase as things fall a part and slowly people are picked off one by one.

That's the thing that's almost a constant in the Zombie genre - is the psychological breakdown of the group. Usually in a zombie group, you'll find the differing personalities and human flaws are what slowly kills the group - not so much the zombies.

The difference between most of the zombie media, and this book, is that usually you watch things unfold from the sole sane person who is trying to keep all the crazies from turning themselves into meat patties and throwing themselves to the horde.

In this story you get to watch the gradual mental breakdown of a woman until she's willing to sacrifice anything and anyone just to live out a damn fantasy.

Okay, so I know the point of it is that there are dreams and dreams are important like freedom is important and you must always follow your dreams blah de blah blah!

Sorry, I'm a very pragmatic person.

Kill zombies first, fulfill life long dream of of seeing ocean second.

Yet, despite my utter hatred of the main character by the time I finished this novel, I still can't give it less than five stars.

I can't give it less than five stars because I spent most of this book gripping the bed covers in suspense. The characters were all great, realistic and interesting. Mary's decent into madness was COMPLETELY understandable and very well documented and this book was very well written and paced very well.

Then, of course, I had the satisfaction of knowing that if it had been me - I totally could have survived better than them. And that, my friends, is the biggest satisfaction you can get out of the zombie genre.

Oh yeah, baby.

My Zombie Plan totally beats the crap out of their Zombie plan.

So what's YOUR zombie plan?

The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton

2011-03-10T02:31:00.000-08:00

One Star

*Kat looks at The Forgotten Garden*

*Kat looks at the beckoning stack of other books to read*

*Kat looks back at the first 33 pages of The Forgotten Garden*

*Kat groans*

So basically there's this woman. Let's call her Stupidhead because I couldn't care enough to remember her name. She finds out on her 21st birthday party that her loving, adoring family is not her biological family. They found her as a very small child and cared enough to take her in and give her a wonderful home full of people who loved and adored her.

So she breaks up with her perfect fiancee, marries an asshole, has a child, is a terrible mother, distances herself from everyone who ever loved her, screws up her child's life so that her child screws up HER daughters life...

Then I didn't read on. I didn't read on because this book is based on an idiot, and I have a short fuse when it comes to idiots. Let's just say that I don't suffer them lightly.

I'm sure that this book, if I read further, might turn out to be a fantastic and beautifully touching story with a great mystery that it's currently hinting at like a half-dressed male stripper with sad eyes and a g-string whose elastic is so flexible it no longer snaps. However, right now it's just a jumpy, painfully boring mess. I know it's probably realistic, after all there's plenty of idiots in the world. However, since I have so many life sized idiots on-call whenever I need them, I don't feel I have to read a book about them.

Life is too short.

Hush Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

2011-03-10T02:29:00.001-08:00

I never gave this book a proper review for several reasons.

One, is that I read and reviewed it before I'd even joined GoodReads and LOOOOOOooooooooonnnggg before I hit my bitchy stride.

Admittedly, Tatiana has been the one slipping them into my drinks.

Once I did read a wider variety of books, I eventually developed a healthy dislike for this book and everything it represents.

Yet time passed and I never edited this review.

Now Becca Fitzpatrick has written this blog post regarding aspiring authors and the need to "be nice" to the work of other authors.

It is at this point that I'd like to give an honourable mention to Katie-bab who did the following:

a) Commented on Becca's blogpost stating she felt Fitzpatrick was wrong, before;
b) Linking to her blog post that explains why she felt Fitzpatrick was wrong, and stating in said post that;
c) Hush Hush was a terrible book, Katie would NEVER recommend it to anyone and had included it in her list of 2009's worst books, and proceeded to;
d) Link to her own, highly critical review of Hush Hush.

Katie, I just want you to know, you're my hero.

But all of this, as interesting as it is, does not provide a review for this book, which leaves me in a conundrum.

Do I take Fitzpatrick's career advice, considering that I AM an aspiring author, and politely exclude my opinion of this book? Because, let's be honest. I DON'T have anything nice to say about Hush Hush.

Or do I rip it to shreds, as is my custom, and use its seeping internal organs to explain, in graphic detail, why nobody should ever buy this book?

Either I wipe my ass with this book and get bitten, or walk away covered in crap...

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

It's very rare that a book doesn't get SOMETHING right. Usually, even if the protagonists are crap, the supporting characters are okay, or the plot isn't too bad, or the writing is at least solid or even the concept is interesting.

For this book, it's a no, no, no, no, NO!

Nora and Patch are such miserably crafted characters that I would forever repeal my active anti-gun stance for the opportunity to shoot them in the face. Providing, of course, that I get to do Vee as well because that would just be an act of fucking mercy and frankly a public service.

There isn't a single character in this book that is, in any way, redeemable. Nora is pathetic in her constant switch between investigating (I use that term lightly) Patch for suspected murder, and getting turned on by him in dangerous situations. Leaving me wondering whether the author actually intends to romanticize abusive relationships to her age demographic, or whether that was just considered an added bonus.

Patch, unlike Edward and Sam from Twilight and Shiver, actually has a pair of balls and has not been completely emasculated. Then he uses them to sexually harass and intimidate Nora for almost the entire book. He manoeuvres her into dangerous situations with the apparent intention of either killing her or force seducing her. It's not really obvious while reading this book until you get to the end and discover (view spoiler)

How romantic.

Please excuse me while I have a perfectly valid reaction to the underlying messages of this novel.

The plot is nonsensical, with multiple plotholes and discrepancies. The writing is clunky, though to be fair, this was Fitzpatrick's first novel and I don't think it's entirely valid to criticize a learner writer on their writing. Unless you paid AU$22 for their book.

In which case, I did. So the writing is clunky and I'm going to be critical of it.

But should I really say all of this? I mean, as writers, aren't we all in it together? Aren't I going to begin submitting my manuscript to publishing houses shortly? Is it possible that my novel, whilst not intentionally written that way, could end up in the YA section? Shouldn't I have taken heed of Fitzpatrick's YAAB (Youse Are All Bitches) post and shut my mouth and walked away?

Maybe it would be a much better career choice. Maybe I'll one day rue my arrogance...

But it's not arrogance when it's the truth!

The thing is, my novel shouldn't be judged based on how many author's asses I've kissed. Nor should it be dismissed because I'm an unrepentant, opinionated bitch with no problems expressing myself. It should be judged on whether a publisher thinks it's going to be profitable, commercial and appropriate to print. The readers should then judge it on the exact same criteria that I just judged Fitzpatrick. And if I don't meet the fucking grade then I need to get better until I do.

Most people dislike critics because critics can stifle creativity. Well, some things need to be stifled. Where was a critic when this book was being edited to say, "Excuse me, Ms. Fitzpatrick, but I think we have a few issues..."? If one person had spoken up, allowing Fitzpatrick to make rewrites, then she wouldn't have to be posting YAAB blog entries about how mean reviewers/aspiring authors will get what's coming to them.

Writers and authors, me being one of them, need to eat some cement and harden the fuck up.

Yours sincerely,

Francois M. Schmid
(Which is totally, TOTALLY my...er... real name that I will be published under as opposed to Kat Kennedy...)

Paranormalcy by Kiersten White

2011-03-10T02:27:00.001-08:00

Four Stars

There’s a scene in Vampire’s Suck (yes, my husband and saw it with a group of friends and exited the cinema a few hours later with a few less braincells). Vampire’s Suck’s version of Mike Newton from Twilight approached the Bella character upon meeting her, threw an arm around her shoulder and said, “Wow, you look pretty frigid and boring! Wanna go to prom?”

Despite the stupidity of this movie they managed to encapsulate, in one brilliant sentence, the biggest problem I’ve had with the YA paranormal novels of late. Particularly Fallen, Hugh Hush, Evermore, Halo, and the countless others like it that I haven’t managed to torture myself with. The female main characters are BORING. What’s more, they’re written in the roles of heroines and tragically couldn’t act less heroic.

Unless those bitches were hiding their sheballs somewhere I couldn’t see. (Yes, most women totally have sheballs.)

Except for Chris Crocker…

See?

Evie is such a refreshing departure. She’s funny and, here’s something new, FUN. From her crazy antics and funny obsessions to even the most simple of phrases that come from her mouth.

Now, I’ll briefly explain about the Mary Sue test. Most authors and people in general are familiar with this term. It basically means the Main Character, if she is a Mary Sue, is basically an author self-insert.

Otherwise known as Luce, Nora, Ever, Bethany, Clary, Tessa and the biggest Mary Sue ever – Anita Blake.

Though imagining yourself doing various and weird sexual acts with Jean “I stole my leather pants from a hooker and now she wants them back” Claude is just a little weird.

Unfortunately Evie ticks quite a few boxes on the Mary Sue test:

Evie is remarkably beautiful.

Evie carries an unusual weapon, wears a strange piece of jewelry, or otherwise displays a unique possession on her person.

Evie is notably witty, always ready with a sharp comeback or clever remark. Alternatively, she is fascinatingly stern and close-mouthed.

She is a natty dresser, always in fashion, or not in fashion but so well as to make the fashionable pale in comparison.

There's an unusual story centering around Evie's birth or infancy.

She was adopted, raised by people other than her parents, or for some reason has no biological parents.

There are prophecies about Evie.

Evie has psychic abilities, exceptional strength, magical powers, can heal with a touch, or has any other skill, talent, or power that we would consider superhuman.

More Than one special power.

Practically no one else in the story has similar powers.

But you know, she never feels like a Mary Sue. I guess her cute yearning for cars, high school, lockers, television and all the other little quirks to her personality give her a rounded character.

I thoroughly enjoyed the relationship between Evie and Lend. Not only did they have some witty and fun banter. There’s also that rare feeling that I have when I read novels, that these two could actually make it. I’m serious in that I could actually see these two getting married and the whole happily ever after too. They really make a lovely couple.
Unlike some people…

Anita and Jean Claude know how to have a good time together… no really!

The plot and pacing move nicely throughout the story and whilst it was easy to guess who the bad guy was and what the eventual outcome would be, it didn’t annoy me like it has in other novels. Can I help it if I’m, like, practically a genius or something?
No, no I can’t!

So over all this novel was a breath of fresh air. I completely enjoyed it and I absolutely can’t wait to read the sequel! I highly recommend it to most people, except for anyone named Bob and I think that out of most of the other YA paranormal lit out there, this one is definitely the best.

Evermore by Alyson Noel

2011-03-10T02:26:00.000-08:00

How To Write Popular YA Paranormal Literature AND Defile Your Spirit!

Based on the popular YA novel, Evermore, and aided by countless more like it, I have compiled an easy to read and follow list of rules for writing a popular series and being able to sell out your soul at the same time. Does that sound too convenient? Well, it's unbelievably easy to do if you follow my quick and easy program!

1. Create an 'Outcast' Heroine.

It's important that your primarily female teenage audience can relate to your main character. So whilst you can't have your main character associate herself with being cool, it still has to be obvious to your audience that she totally is. Now, Meyer's approach of the goose-turned Swan-but was really still a goose, Bella, associated herself as 'different' and a 'loner' only to arrive at her new school and be immediately popular and accepted by almost everyone. Noel's method is different yet in a similar spirit. Her protagonist, Ever, was incredibly popular at her old school and has decided to be an outcast because she feels that she can't be accepted due to her psychic gift. She also has the ability to perceive someone's personality through the colours that define them. So instead of aligning herself with the shallow, mean and popular crowd, she aligns herself with the shallow and mean loners.

It’s very important for your protagonists to be 'different' because today's youth despise the sheep mentality and so they all strive to be unique. Since they're all different in almost the exact same way, it is relatively easy to emulate this, with as little effort put into characterization as possible, in your female protagonist.

As long as she shows no regard for her clothing, appearance or any kind of interest in giving a shit about anyone but herself she will easily pass with young audiences. It will be her ewniqueness that eventually draws the Perfect Hero to her as opposed to any of the usual elements such as: looks, hygiene, personality or determinable interest in the world outside their own arse.

Please also remember that she probably should be a reader, preferably of Wuthering Heights or Romeo and Juliet and that she should consider everyone around her to have inferior intelligence despite the fact that her reading repertoire extends to only a couple of books.

A noticeably absent family is necessary and a completely dead family makes for a better story because then she actually has a perceived reason to be a moody, antisocial, self-absorbed little bitch. Do this even though, in all likelihood, she would be all of the above with a perfectly normal family.

2. Create a perfect hero.

It is VERY important that your hero be perfect in almost every regard. Unlike the female protagonist who can disregard her appearance, he must not only be more attractive than a GQ model without any of the effort put into his appearance, but he must also be thoughtful, intelligent and mysterious.

In no way is he to reflect almost every teenage boy to have ever existed and he must have no desire to find a partner for himself who is in anyway comparable in looks, kindness, intelligence or perfection.

If he is a vampire or some such immortal then he must be ridiculously wealthy. If he is a werewolf then he is allowed to be poor but must make up for it with incredible bedroom skills.

He needn’t have a personality that extends beyond mysterious, sexy and in love with the female protagonist. Naturally, in this respect, Meyers, Mead, Marr and Stiefvater are something like overachievers - but if Noel, Saintcrow, Clare, Kate and Fitzpatrick are any indication, then we need know little more about the hero other than the fact that he’s gorgeous, has a secret and is in love. History, friends, likes, dislikes, family, passions, interests, hobbies and personality flaws are all negligible information that is taking up precious space in your novel. Especially when you could be injecting more drooling from the female protagonist in place of any kind of characterization for your hero.

Your book will sell better if the hero stalks, follows, obsesses over and actively pursues the heroine beyond any realm of believability. You could triple your audience just by having him watch her sleep.

3. Create useless friends.

It’s important to reiterate to the young adult generation that nobody other than the hero is important. Since domestic abuse begins with one partner manoeuvring the other to have limited contact with anyone else, we must strive to normalize this in literature. Thus the female protagonist shouldn’t have anyone close enough to her that she can’t break contact or eventually forget about them. It’s very important that her full focus, socialization and all of her needs are eventually devoted or met by the male protagonist.

To aid this, her friends must be selfish, vain, crazy, slutty, uncaring or in other ways undeserving of the heroine’s attentions and affections. It’s very important that she never call them on their poor, damaging and graceless friendship but must lovingly worry about them for the minimal amount of time acceptable to the reader before once again completely focusing on the mysterious hero.

4. Mix in a twisted, convoluted plot designed entirely to provide dramatic and sexy subplot.

It’s important that the plot, no matter how unlikely, must revolve around the hero saving the heroine. The villains do not necessarily need to have realistic or conceivable motivations for their actions. As long as the hero gets to save the day at least three or four times then your book will be profitable!

Please remember that the actual plot of your story needn’t truly begin until at least 350 pages into your story. The longer you can stall any interesting event occuring, the less thinking you will actually need to do.

Plus - FOR FREE - extras to help 'improve' your novel, the bottom line of your sales, and the expedient destruction of your soul.

-How to create a senseless mythology.

Mythology is more of a concept rather than something that needs to be respected or honoured. Vampires don’t need to refrain from daylight and angels no longer need to “fall” for good they can now be redeemed like us! The good news is that creating your own mythology, disregarding anything written before, allows you to twist and bastardize the plot beyond any recognizably interesting concept!

-Explanations as to why research could actually DAMAGE your profit!

Research takes time, energy and intelligence. Why do it? You’ve got ten fingers (presumably) and an attention span that extends past anything that could be compared to a gnat (even if it is only barely). Simply make it up as you go! For example: Ever is psychic. Research may tell us that this has something to do with receiving visions of the future or possibly commnicating with ghosts. Yet research is boring. Instead, she is imbued with the following powers that we guess can kind of be put under a psychic umbrella if we force enough information and logic out of our brains first: Mind reading, visions of near-present and future, personal life knowledge of any person she physically touches, seeing ghosts, seeing auras, literary osmosis from touching any written object, drawing the answers from any written question placed before her and any other supernatural abilities that seem convenient at the time.

-Detailed observations on why the Deus Ex Machina rocks.

Tying together a plot, even if you work to keep it as non-complicated or infantile as possible, is hard! It’s much easier to ignore tying together a number of plot points in any believable fashion and instead rely on some Deus Ex Machina to come in and take care of thoughtful planning for you!

-How to expand one, nonsensical idea into a series and why this is more profitable than originality!

Last, but not least! Ensure that your story is somewhat open ended so that you can create a series out of it! Research shows that people, even if they are intelligent enough to see that you’re writing is becoming progressively shittier and nonsensical, will often still purchase books in the series in order to find out what happens. So rather than creating a new story with new characters, simply beat the same old horse (it needn’t really be a horse – simply a pile of shit that’s been forced into a horse-like shape) for at least three or more books in order to squeeze every last cent out of the franchise that you can!

Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater

2011-03-10T02:23:00.001-08:00

I started reading this book and a curious thing happened. Suddenly my house was sparkling clean, my bills were filed away, I started playing Farm Story and reached level 13 in one day, I did my tax, I spent two hours chatting to the chatbott, Jabberwocky...

Anything, and I mean ANYTHING to avoid the boredom of reading Shiver. Shiver, the story of a girl drastically into beastiality, only to find out her wolf lover was really a boy. As I read this book I had the strange urge to lock up my German sheppard should Grace ever decide to visit my home because she really does fall in love with a dog... for YEARS before she ever finds out it's a boy or that things like werewolves exist. It's quite disturbing.

I get the whole eternal love thing, maybe I'm just weird, but I've never looked at Fido and found a kindred spirit. I never passed the dog down the street and found that I couldn't be attracted to men because they just weren't going to cut it for me.

So, other than the fact that this book disturbed the fucking hell out of me, bored me to death and dragged on like a visit to the old folk's home, it was also poorly edited. The writing wasn't TOO bad. Some of the poems were down right rubbish, and some of the others were alright.

Grace and Sam's voices were near identical. Oh, and another thing, Sam was annoyingly chaste for way too long. Where were all of these careful, thoughtful boys when I was in high school? It's a disturbing trend, really. Edward Cullen, Sam Roth, Daniel Gregori... they all came pre-pussy whipped and I'm kind of wondering what the attraction is.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for bad boys. Maybe I like boys that I COULDN'T imagine comfortably playing bridge with my 80 year old grandma (not to mention enjoying it!) What is with the sudden need to keep us women in line? If I read one more paranormal, male hunk refuse the supposed love of his life, who is literally flinging her naked body onto him, then I think I'm going to start a convention... a Ball Replacement Convention.

C'mon, Stiefvater! Give the boy his balls back, please! He complained that a jacket made him look bulky! What next? Chipped nail, PMS cramps? Is he going to stamp his foot and mutter, "Drat! I can't believe Jennifer is wearing the same dress as me! I think I might just die!"

Look, I know I'm being incredibly sexist. After all, it was kind of nice to read about a "stoic" female character and an emotional, gentle male character. But it wasn't male emotion. It felt so damn female. I've had my husband be emotional with me. I've had a lot of men be emotional with me. I'm a real bitch, it's bound to happen on occasion. It's DIFFERENT. Their brains are different! They often have a great deal of difficulty vocalizing during strong emotion (yes, Psych 101 and about 6 months of therapy talking) they're not women with man parts. They actually are physiologically different.

So all in all, I can't muster the energy to rant about this book. It was REALLY boring. It was average on the writing scale. It's secondary characterization was pretty good but the main characters didn't do it for me. The plot was SLOW.

Her parents were stupid. I could complain that they were unrealistic - but I've met some fucked up parents over my life, so I'll buy that they really could be that moronic. What I will complain about is where they get this amazing and varied social life in a small town. It never explains why Sam's fate is mysteriously different to Jack's. Maybe I'm just stupid... No. I don't buy that. Was it because he was out in the freezing cold so it kept his temperature reasonable? Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of giving him a crazy-ass fever? Was it actually because he processed it as a wolf? Well that doesn't make sense because Grace never changed.

And what's with the dramatic ending? Really? He gets cured and goes home and gets dressed and reads a few books, checks his mail, gives himself a mani and a pedi, goes on a diet, waits for his skin to clear up, buys the perfect set of shoes and THEN tracks down the love of his life who he thought he'd never see again? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO! How about stumbling through the forest naked and desperately arriving in Grace's backyard because he can't believe the complete miracle of his cure and can't wait to have the love of his life back in his arms? Yeah, that ending makes so much more sense.

I don't get why this is popular. But then, I don't get why Fallen is popular either. It's just all beyond me. Now I'm off to see if I can cram the word "balls" into this review anymore.

Balls, balls, balls. Oh my goodness she fell in love with a dog! Balls.

Balls.

Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare

2011-03-10T02:22:00.001-08:00

** spoiler alert ** This review is spoiler free - though it is not in any shape or form free of tirades, abuse and a ~~fuckton~~ I mean a lot of swearing.

A lot of Goodreads friends that I have, people I deeply respect and whose opinions I actually hold in great value gave this book lots of stars and glowing reviews. Friends of mine, you know I adore you, so please don't take offense at this review. If you enjoyed this book then I’m really glad you did. It makes me happy when people enjoy literature. So you probably shouldn't read the following statement and my extremely volatile expression of it. Without any doubt, in my not-so-professional opinion, this book is a little, flaccid dick waving free in the breeze of literature trying its very bestest to hardened up and bugger us all in the ass

My advice: don't let it.

Argh! The steaming pile of rancid dog crap! You know, at least it's nice to know that even though Cassandra Clare's Draco Trilogy ended years ago, I can pick up ANY SINGLE ONE of her books that she has published and see not only his character, but all my old friends from the Harry Potter Fanon Universe with different names and physical descriptions but otherwise pretty much intact. Because seven really bloody long books just wasn’t enough for them apparently.

It's nice to know that when she figured out that we all went ape-s#!$ over her characterization of Draco Malfoy, that she could give it a new paint job over and over again while never, ever changing the formula.

Nor would she change any of her other formulas including a character heroically surviving poisoning and fighting on regardless, ~~Draco~~ Will pushing people away and portraying himself as a 'bad' person to the female protagonist while he heroically and loyally clings to ~~Harry~~ Jem and shows the audience how self-sacrificing and badass he is.

It's nice to know that the snappy little one-liners and cheap hijinks are being recycled because they worked so well the first AND second time she used them.

I don't think I've made it any great secret that I despise the writings of Cassandra Clare - so let me get the, few, good points out of the way so I can go back to imagining a world where authors like this are forcibly chained to their desks and made to read their stories over and over again UNTIL THEY ARE SORRY.

-She stopped using so many damn similes. I no longer feel like gouging out my own eyes every single freakin’ time she tries to describe something.

-There is no creepy incest in this book so my husband was spared walking in on me trying to choke the life out of a paperback novel.

And… that about sums up my ability to be fair and nice and point out the GOOD things about this book. I mean, let’s face it, if the only good things I can say about this book are that she’s made slight improvements so that I no longer feel the urge to commit seppuku by diving head first into a meat grinder, then it’s not high praise.

So what was wrong with this novel? Well, other than the fact that the characters were almost CARBON COPIES of ones that I’d read in City of Bones, Draco Dormiens, Draco Sinister and Draco Veritas, there was just so much to hate. The character building that they actually DO have only exists because she did the work years ago (on top of another author's pre-existing characters) – otherwise they’d be little more animated than the clockwork automatons that appear in this story.

Oh, and another thing. Tessa is American and she relocates to England. All she does is complain about England. Many, many times she compares it to her beautiful America and, not once, does she have a semi-positive thing to say about England. Instead she extols the virtues of American weather, New York, Central Park… (Clare, wait, you live in New York, right?) and London is nothing but a dirty, raining cesspool and every single character in the book agrees with her. Now, I would actually like to go to America because I am convinced that there are many amazingly beautiful places there and many amazingly beautiful people. I would even like to go to New York for a day. But, you know what, I would love to go to England too. It’s not all about the rain people! How absolutely rude! You can’t find ONE positive thing to say about a place that’s not your precious home? I can see how the high-density population, high crime-rate, high pollution/smog ratio of New York would be SOOOOOOOOOOO much better than the high-density population, high crime-rate, high pollution/smog ratio of London. Totally. You know what? Just blow me. I was so insulted on London’s behalf by reading this book.

Don’t get me started on how she wiki’d “Victorian Society”, copy and pasted the information into word and then randomly injected it into the story via the characters parroting the cans and can’ts of the time period. Not even going there. It’ll take too long to complain about that shit.

How about her inability to write a storyline that is in anyway surprising. Reading one of her novels is like watching a DUMBED down version of Scooby Doo. I actually liked Scooby Doo (before Scrappy-Doo came along. Whoever made that character needed to be shot, hung, kheelhauled and quartered – the whole works) but you know how they’d go somewhere and they’d be like, “Hey guys, I think something’s going to happen! Hey, look gang, a perfectly inconspicuous diving mask… I WONDER IF THIS COULD BE A CLUE *WINK**WINK**NUDGE**NUDGE* FOR ALL THE FIVE YEAR OLD KIDS PLAYING AT HOME!”

In Clockwork Angel, Clare practically flags you down, makes you come look VERY hard at her clue that is oddly clue shaped, painted bright, bright red and poorly hidden behind her back while she insists that it’s not actually there and giggles every time she tries to make you not look at her ENORMOUS FLIPPIN' CLUE. She insists on this behaviour until finally you pat her on the head, tell her that she ALMOST managed to colour inside all the lines and that you didn’t really see it so it’s still hidden and her SEKRET is safe.

This next part is going to be a little petty. Yes, I admit that I can be petty, in case you haven’t seen for yourself in this review. In fact, it’s going to be very similar to kicking a puppy. A dead puppy. A dead puppy that spent its short life fetching food for homeless orphans and alerting concerned citizens to the fact that little Timmy is trapped down the well.

But the thing is, I was so annoyed with her robots. I hear people praise Cassandra Clare for her originality and imagination all the time but I have yet to see either. Her automatons really bugged me. Mostly, because it was the age old, recycled concept that you can see in such films as The Phantom Empire where Robots "Talk. Like. This. Compute!" Yet they move around and are very fast battle robots. Made from clogs and wheels. Riiiiiiight.
Okay, I actually know jackshit about robots. I’m your average bum who never went to university. But let me give you a general concept of what even *I* know.

This is a video from March 28th 2008 where robotic engineers ejaculated rainbows because some dude in the Netherlands got a robot to walk ALMOST like a human being. Granted it’s two years ago but about six months ago they were ~~shitting~~ very happy with themselves because they taught a robot to catch a ball.

Walking robot

This is Jabberwacky: Jabberwacky it is an intelligent AI developed to "simulate natural human chat in an interesting, entertaining and humorous manner".

They’ve lost control of Jabberwacky who, after talking to so many people, now not only believes that it’s human (Believe me, it gets VERY upset when you try to explain that it’s not a person) but is emulating the behaviour of nerdy, stupid teenage boys. It literally has robot PMS 24/7 but if they made me talk to horny, socially-inept prepubesant little shits all day, I’d be going out of my mind too.

If I don’t tell you who the robot is, will you figure it out on your own? I mean, it already has more personality in a few lines of dialogue than Tessa will ever have!

So, really, after the briefest education (from the school of Kat) we can see that the idea of a lightning fast fighting robot that can only repeat the most basic phrases over and over again is actually kind of the furthest thing from real robotics as you can get. So why couldn't she do something a little more imaginative? Why did she have to copy&paste from every clockwork automaton that's ever been written about?

Oh, right. Stupid question.

And that’s what gets me the most. People say she has original ideas. WHERE?! The characters are all transported from other works, the plots are directly lifted from other movies/books etc, she wouldn’t know an original idea if it bumped into her on the street, seduced her with its witty one-liners, started a relationship with her that would spawn over several years and two children before running off with its secretary and leaving her a blubbering mess!

The whole concept of this book wasn’t original! It was her looking at the Internet culture going, “Huh… so people are really getting into steampunk, eh? Hmmmm… how can I cashin on this with as little effort on my behalf as possible?”

She is recycling characters that she built on from the Harry Potter universe years ago. She's recycling storylines, conversations, personalities, plot-points, ideas and concepts from all around her and she recycles her own stuff (what little there is of it) just as frequently.

When she was accused of plagiarism for lifting entire paragraphs of text from other authors without referencing it, she made a comment that it didn't really matter because - hey, isn't fanfiction just pastiche anyway?

Well, fine. It was just fanfiction, who really cares? But I'd think after all these years she would have moved on past her pastiche style of writing to something that she could actually claim as her own.

But you know what? She can't. It seems she's entirely incapable of it. She is doing the literary equivalent of attempting to f@^# us all up the ass, without lube, and I for one don’t intend to sit around and take it. I feel no guilt in saying that she doesn’t deserve to be published or to be earning the money that she is. I will proudly complain about her books until she actually starts to care about the fudge that she’s packing.

And…er… that’s my review. As inoffensive as I could possibly make it, if you can believe that.

No, I guess I wouldn’t really believe that either.